What would you say?

A popular question posed by interviewers of famous people is, "if you could say something to your 16 year old self what would you say?" I've often pondered that question. My first instinct is just to plainly say, "it will all work out in the end" Or, "Don't sweat the small stuff". But this journey to health this year has brought up so many things inside of me that I would have to write myself a book.

With all the horrible bullying that is going on in our schools and neighborhoods, it makes me reflect on my jr. high/high school days. To be honest, no one gets away from it. If your fat you get picked on in life. If you "too" smart you get picked on in life. If you have sex in those years you get picked on. If you don't have sex you get picked on. And believe it or not if you are a cheerleader or plain out seem "to have it all together" you get picked on. Maybe not to your face. But it is happening.

Its ugly. Its sad. I look at my two girls and want to do EVERYTHING I can to protect them from it. But I know it will happen. Because even if they are not picked on by their friends or schoolmates, the media will tell them they do not have the right body, or nose or complexion. Something will always be wrong.

On reflection, what I would like to say to my 16 year old self. That boy (that you secretly had a crush on) that called you and ugly lard ass as you left the school bus. He ends up divored and alone. He can't mantain a relationship with anyone. That girl that made fun of you on the beach during Senior skip day? She dropped out of college, lives with her parents and is addicted to meth. Almost EVERYONE that picked on your weight, now struggles with their own. I am not saying these things to laugh and say, "ha, ha, you got yours." I am simply saying no one knows how things will turn out for people. Just like the bullies who didn't know that girl or boy would go home and take their own life because they couldn't take anymore.

Another thing that people may find shocking for me to say to my 16 year old self. "Someday, you will look back and be thankful you were overweight." Shocking I know. But I can tell you that nothing like struggling with a weight/health issue can give you compassion for others. I see people that are hurting. I feel their pain. I don't like to see anyone embarrassed. I like to make everyone around me comfortable and to know that it is O.K. to just be yourself with me. It makes you see others as God does.

Now, those of you who know me, know that I have yelled and been angry at God for my situation. I have envisioned a life so much better if this was not my struggle. But as I move to clarity of my mind and taking better care of my body, I can honestly say to my 16 year old self. "Don't wish for something else, this will lead you exactly where you need to go." I leave you with one of my favorite verses in the Bible. Roamans 8:28."And we know ALL things work together for good for those who love Christ and are called according to his purpose."

Diet Coke please light ice!!!

I know it has been a while since my last blog but life is always busy and this happens to end up last on the list.  I mean I think my children and husband should be fed and have clean clothes to wear before I am blogging away about my crazy self....call me old fashioned!

Since my last post, I have visited a new dr. and nutritionist and am happy to say they have listened and gave me an action plan in my weight loss/health journey.  Things are moving in the right direction so I feel hopeful that I can turn this ship wreck around.  This new dr. believes in mind, body spirit health.  I like the fact that he see the whole person as all being connected and not just willing to throw a bottle of pills and me and tell me to lose weight.  He is actually giving me the tools and support to do so.  WOW.  Such a difference to what I've experienced in the past.

During my first meeting with the nutritionist, she told me I was built for famine.  SEE, all along I was right.  I have said for years my ancestors lived where they only got a couple of meal a year so they stored it all as fat and held on to EVERY calorie for survival.  I also happen to believe they were in a cold climate, therefore having to produce tons of body hair to keep warm.  Yep, my family is full of hairy fattys.  (BUT WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE)

I realized after my first appointment with the doctor, I forgot to mention my dirty little addiction to Diet Coke.  Of course, I quickly scanned the "acceptable" drink list they gave me and guess what?  No Diet Coke listed.  So this last appointment, I fessed up.  I thought he would brush it off as no big deal.  But he says, "oh?"  And I heard.  "You will die by midnight if you drink one more."  But then he tells me they give it to lab mice and they get fat and no one really knows why for sure.  So I set out a plan before him of how I plan to kick the habit.  My plan is not to buy it at home, therefore forcing me to have to go out to get it. 

Fast forward a week later, when I am hurling curse words (under my breath, I have children in the car) at the construction workers at McDonald's for putting up the stop sign and letting the other traffic move right when I was getting ready to pull in the drive-thru.  I mean I almost got the shakes here.  It is 3 in the afternoon and I have not had a Diet Coke for over 24 hours.  So I finally get my "fix" and as I drive away with the first sip sliding happily down my throat with its familiar burn and sachrianny taste ( I am pretty sure sachrianny is not a word, but give me a break, I blog not write masterpieces) one of my favorite songs from the Black Crowes comes on the radio, its called She talks to Angels.

It is about a women with an addiction.  As I turn it up, I hear this line...."theres a smile when the pain comes, pain gonna make everything alright."  OH HELP ME LORD!!!  I am officially a Diet Coke addict.  I literally smile and take a few deep breaths with my first sip every time.  I smoked for years and cigarettes never gave me that kind of feeling.  I got it bad people. 

So, being that this blog made me do a 5K, due to the fact that I am a person on my word.  I have chosen a date this month (with another addicted buddy who shall remain nameless) to kick the habit. 
That is my plan.  Its now out there for the world to know.  I am a person of my word.  So I have to do this. 

Thats All Folks...or is it?

Two years ago when I set out on this journey to run a 5K, I figured this blog would be a kind of accountability.  See, I am a person of my word.  If I say I am going to do something I will do it.  Several times on this journey, I have wanted to just delete this blog and go away quietly without ever even signing up for a 5K.

Actually those thoughts were running through my head as I limped through The Color Run in Indianapolis July 28th.  Actually at one point I thought I just have to make it 2 more colors and then this whole journey will be over and done with.  I will never speak of it again.For those of you who aren't familiar with The Color Run, look it up.  Its slogan is "the happiest 5K on the planet" and I have to say I agree.  With each kilometer, participants are greeted by several people holding ketchup bottles full of a colored cornstarch powder that they throw at you.  It sounds kind of brutal but everyone was very nice and not pelting you in the face as you go by.  Although, my sister did say I had a blue Hitler like mustache and blue teeth thorough most of the run.

The excitement of standing there with that many people getting ready to do something you never thought you would even attempt is amazing.  I actually shed a few tears in line waiting to start the run.  The excitement quickly ended for me as I started out jogging and quickly found out how unprepared I was for the pavement.  Almost immediately I began to feel like my feet were on fire and my legs were going to break like rubber bands.  So I quickly backed off and realized, I wasn't running this 5K.
 
I am harder on myself than most people and I began to hear the voices in my head that I could not do it and never would.  That I had wasted the last two years thinking I could do this when my body wasn't about to let me.  I thought lets just get it over with.  I am still proud to say I finished.  I couldn't be more blessed by the team that went with me that consisted of my sister and her husband, two of their daughters and a family friend.   God bless my sister (who never planned on running) for hanging back with me.  She could have left me in the dust several times, but she faithfully stayed by my side.

I actually said to her, maybe running wasn't for us during the 5K.  "biking she said, maybe we should bike?"  No that just makes my ass hurt thinking about it.  I once had a bike with butt pads that still didn't help the situation.  You know me bony butt, chubby front.  I invented the fat transfer YEARS before I found out they actually offer that up at plastic surgeons.  If I could just suck it out of my gut and put it in my butt things would be great.  Of course I wouldn't want all my front in my butt, that would make even Sir Mix a Lot think red beans and rice should have missed me.  I could give the excess to the plastic surgeons to use as filler on the Hollywood A-listers.  So every time I saw an actress with a pair of lips like the back end of a baboon in heat I could think, "hmm, wonder if she is sporting some of my excess chub!  Wow, did I just digress.  Back to the 5K experience.

 The rest of The Chubby Runners had finished before us, but when we came around to the finish line there they were.   I asked them if they had finished and they actually said, "we came as a team and we will finish as a team"  What an amazing group for me to experience this with.  I will be forever grateful for each of them. 

So I did it.  I can shut this blog down and move on to new things.  However, I can't give it up.  Call me bull-headed, determined or just plain stupid, but I knew the next morning this wasn't the end.  I know that I will be back next year to do this again.  I am just crazy enough to say I will return until I can run the entire thing.   I  know what to expect now and what it will take from me.  The fear is gone.  The anticipation of the unexpected is gone.  But one thing remains, my sheer will and determination to continue on this journey.

Maybe someday, I will be such a fitness guru that I will have to change the name of this blog but for now, The Chubby Runner will remain.  If nothing else, I hope I have encouraged people...or at least made you smile every now and then.   

Couch to 5K....two year plan!

A better name for this blog may be the morbidly obese jogger, but the Chubby Runner sounded so much nicer.  That was the first line of my first blog entry more than two years ago when I set out to run a 5K.  Who would have known what the journey would bring.  I know I didn't.  First the surprise pregnancy that landed me in the hospital having a baby two days after I turned 40.  For all of those who have been following from the beginning, my goal was to run the 5K before 40.  Well after much struggle, stops and starts, the 5K is this coming weekend.

The last few weeks have been filled with a sense of depression concerning this journey.  I have been in a funk that has been at times overwhelming.  The reasons being so many.  The fact that injuries have caused me to fall behind in my training.  And mainly the fact that I never lost a large amount of weight during the process.  This is for several reasons some self induced some not.  My main focus has been on the "here we go again" mentally that I have always had concerning my weight.  I will just say, this time there are some things that are different.  I set a goal to run a 5K.  I have fear, anxiety and self doubt about how much running I will actually do.  BUT, this time, I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH.  Regardless of the outcome.  I WILL DO THIS!  No backing out. 

I have had several people ask me the last few months, "Why are you doing this?"  I could probably answer most of it with the fact that I am doing this for selfish reasons.  For the fact that a lot of people don't think I can.  For the fact that maybe even I myself don't think it is possible.  So why will I be running this Saturday?
I will run for....

• Every chubby person who has ever starved, made themselves vomit or abused laxatives to lose weight.
• Every chubby person who has felt "less than" because the BMI chart showed they were "more than" they should be.
• Every chubby person who was picked last on the playground for a sports team
• Every chubby girl that was forced to go prom dress shopping with their skinny friends.
• Every chubby person that was embarrassed by the fact that they couldn't climb that damn rope in gym class
• Every chubby person who has endured stares, giggles and rude comments.
• Every chubby person who has been forced to buy clothes labeled plus or husky.
• Every chubby person who has cried in a dressing room.

And for every chubby person who believes they can't and listens to those nagging voices in their head that they never will.  This weekend I will.  It will take everything I have physically, but most of all it will take every bit of my mind telling me the voice in my head is wrong.  I don't know how it will end.  Whether I run, walk or crawl across the finish line, I know that I am more than a number on a scale.  The world told me I couldn't run because I was too fat, this Saturday I will prove them wrong.   

Move over Old Country theres a new Hog trough in town!!

First start right off with an apology.  Why? You ask.  Because due to the fact that the 5K I signed up for is less than two weeks away, I am in full panic mode and eating more protein than should be humanly possible and limiting all carbs, sugar and Splenda, oh and just for poops and giggles, I've given up coffee and Diet Coke (once again SIGH) for the next two weeks so I am a crabby patty.  AND that last sentence was what I believe English teachers call a run on sentence!!!!  But I don't care to fix it give me a break people.

My subject today is nothing about my training or 5K.  It is about the fact that a Golden Corral is coming to my area.  For those of you that don't know, it is a buffet restaurant.  I have never been there before but from the sounds of the chatter going around town the excitement of its impending arrival is quite the talk. 

So, let me fill you in on something a bit scandalous.  Sit down.  Take a deep breath.  Are you ready?  O.K.  here goes.  This chubby girl HATES buffets.   No more like DESPISES them.  I know it is hard to believe.  Don't get me wrong, there are times I have taken "all you can eat" to the extreme.  But usually that was in the privacy in my own home or at a family get together.  And if there was cake involved....now thats an idea a cake buffet.  That could change my mind, but I digress (fancy word)!! 

First let me state the obvious.  Everyone watches the fattys at the buffets.  BEFORE you argue with me GET REAL with yourself.  Even I in all my fatness have witnessed someone at the buffet and had a fleeting thought that they REALLY shouldn't be there.  I know the times I have gone I have had my visits to the "hog trough" counted by curious onlookers.  By the way, I refer to all buffets as hog troughs.  I even had a Asian dude tell me, "don't eat it all" when I returned  for seconds.  Oh yes, people are that rude and mean.  I think me being fat gives them an excuse to be rude.  I wanted to scream, I just wanted one more pot sticker, and some General Tao's chicken and oh some more of that vegetable low mein...got to get my veggies in. 

Another reason I hate the hog trough is the "ick" factor.  Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a germaphobe.  I would go as far at to say I would have more of a ten second rule than five.  So I am definitely not "one of those" people HOWEVER,  those plastic guards they put up are not protecting my food from the gross people of society.  The "dirties"  the I'll poo and run and not wash my hands.  The "snotties" who wipe their nose with their hands.  I have seen with my own eyes people sneeze right under the plastic guard.  I have witnessed a man have a spaghetti noodle that did not want to leave the buffet, use his own fingers to snap it off his plate back into the bin for unsuspecting diners.  I witnessed a girlfriend, get a piece of lettuce off her plate WITH her hand and toss it back into the salad bar.  Can we all say GROSS together people?

All this being said, I will occasionally let my husband, or the crowd I'm dining with talking me into the buffet.  But, the whole time I am filling my plate I am saying in my head, "don't think about it, don't think about it."  Not to mention most of the food tastes like its been frozen too long.  So this was my rant.  I must also put a disclaimer on here.  I hear The Lady and Sons which is Paula Deen's restaurant in Savannah has a buffet.  I would eat there and never complain or be grossed out.  Because I am pretty sure butter kills all bacteria in the world. 

Thank you, please come again!!!!

Years ago I worked in retail.  Sometimes the very word retail can make me shudder.  Working in retail can be fun I guess, but that would require you to love to work with the public.  I used to think I loved people.  Then I went to work in retail.  Then I went to work at a credit union.  You think people are crabby when you mess their sale up at the register, you should see people when you are dealing with their money. 
One job I have never done, nor think I could handle is a waitress.  People also get very crazy about their food.  So I can sympathize with those working with the public.  Its tough.  However, I also think you should probably be good with people to do these types of jobs.  If you aren't you better well sure know how to fake it. 
Lately, I have been noticing more and more the poor customer service in the stores I frequent.  I know as you age you have a sense that "things were sure different when I was young", but I can tell you, I would not have lasted in retail for a day if I wasn't able to communicate and be helpful and friendly with the customers. 
Case in point,  have you noticed the people who wait on you and barely speak?  I think I have been grunted at a couple of times.  What happened to hello, thank you?  What ever happened to "going the extra mile"?  And seriously, you better make sure whatever you have has a price tag on it, because that throws them over the edge.  They don't seem to know how to find the price, they have to call a manager, call the department, call security.  Its is annoying.  The other day, I returned a pair of shoes that broke a strap the first time I wore them.  The lady at the service desk, looked and said I've never seen these before.  Then she stammered around looking for the code until finally I said, "do you want me to go back and get another pair"?  AND she let me.  Seriously, isn't that YOUR job? 

I also find it disturbing when the cashiers or workers talk bad about each other to the customers.  And while I'm at it, QUIT, rolling your eyes, sighing, telling me you have worked for 14 hours straight or 14 days without a day off.  It's none of my business you are going through a divorce or fighting for custody of your children or you have a fungus on your left foot that itches.  JUST RING UP MY GROCERIES PLEASE. 

I think I must have a face for it.  Strangers like to tell me their "stuff".  One time while running the drive thru at the credit union, I had a lady tell me through the speaker (this was before head phones) that her husband was cheating on her.  Sometimes I walk away from a store or restaurant and think I am owed a fee for counseling. 

Today was another example.  I was in the yogurt section while a gentleman was stocking.  I was talking to my daughter about how I was looking for unsweetened Greek yogurt.  He pipes in.  "that stuff isn't any better for you, its harder to make and more expensive thats all."  I thought, "oh I guess since you put it on the shelves, you are a yogurt expert".  Then somehow it came up about living until you are 90.  "I don't want to live until I'm 90 he said, there won't be any social security for us anyway".  I said, "well maybe by then I will be financially independent"...."yea, right like that is gonna happen he says".  By the time the conversation was over, I wanted to walk over to the milk open the freezer and slam it on my neck until I ended it all.

Look for those of you who really know me, you are aware negativity is a thing I struggle with a lot.  I mean call me on a bad day and I will make you want to gouge your eyes out and jump off a cliff.  I'm just saying, if you work with the public, at least fake it people.  I used to think the scan it yourself idea was horrible.  BUT the more I deal with the workers the more I think we are on to something.   We are so horrified that machines are taking over and replacing jobs but I gotta tell you, I would rather have a robot wait on me sometimes.

Me and my BIG mouth.

So first a disclaimer....I should probably not post after having martinis.  But oh well, so here goes.
I find myself totally mortified by ever saying I would run a 5K.  I mean literally, what the heck was I thinking?  By all accounts I should be having people bring me loads of food while I bask in my fatness in my bed (specially made to handle the enormous weight load)  I mean isn't that what morbidly super obese people do? 

Before you think I am judging those people, let me just say I am not.  I have learned in the last 10 years NEVER judge a person, because it seems as if every time I do, WHAM, I am in the same situation.  But really what was I thinking?  FAT PEOPLE SHOULD NOT RUN.  It causes issues.  I mean it is a wonder my knees and ankles haven't revolted and broken in mid run.  So this week I find myself 6 weeks away from Chubby Runner D Day.  When the thighs hit the road with others who actual consider themselves athletes.  I am freaking out.  What have I gotten myself into?
My only comfort this week was thinking of my newly signed up brother-in-law, who has decided (on a whim) he will give it a go with the rest of us.  Now the rest of us have been training, or at least unlike my brother-in-law walking to someplace other than the fridge.  I love the man but he it a total FOODIE!  With a capital F.  This is one of the reasons I love him sooooo much.  But I was thinking well at least I will beat him RIGHT?  Until my sister informed me that when he went to the track with her one evening a couple of years ago he ran the whole time she walked.  THIS IS WHEN HE SMOKED 2 packs of cigarettes a day.  He doesn't smoke anymore.  He is currently planning out where we should eat the night before the race.  He is thinking brats and beer.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  "Runners need to carb load he says". 

I find myself getting bitter.  I thought when I started running I would actually start to love it.  Which some days I do (for a brief moment)  Then I get irritated thinking of the random stranger who gazed into my cart to see some Oreos and gave me the look like "honey put those back".   Sometimes when I am hoofing it on the treadmill I think of those people and how they have no clue my 'super obese" butt was up at 5 a.m running on a treadmill while you were probably driving to McDonalds to get your two sausage biscuits. 

This whole weight thing is not fair.  And training for a 5K has proved even more unfair for this chubby girl.  My body hurts and I want to give up.  Not to mention, I continue to struggle with very little weight loss.  BUT I am doing it.  I have shaved 4 minutes off my mile.  When I started running I could only run at 3 miles an hour now I can do 4 miles an hour.  One things I dislike about myself is how bull headed I can be.  But in this case it is the driving force that keeps me running on those painful days. 

So July 28th comes quickly, and I can tell you, if my brother in law tries to pass me during the run, he will get tripped.  But I really find that unlikely when he will probably be trying to eat a brat during the run.  I love you droopy dog BUT YOU"RE GOING DOWN!!!! 

What Not to Wear

With Spring here and Summer of its way, the dress code seems to go from "all covered up" to "hey how much skin can I show without being arrested?"  I used to think that it was just me being the "chubby jealous girl" now sometimes I wonder if its "the chubby jealous old lady"  But really look around.  Fashion has always been an individual thing.  But some days you got to look at some people and wonder if there is a mirror in their house.

Case in point, recently I visited a park with my girls.  There was a larger girl that had white shorts on that were so tight that they literally didn't have an inseam.  On the legs it was like shorts but in the crotch area it turned into a bathing suit.  I know I am not explaining it correctly but it was just wrong.  No amount of "the fat girl shuffle" was going to get those shorts outta there.  For those of you who are unaware of what I call the "fat girl shuffle" let me explain.  If you are wearing shorts and they start creeping up your thighs due to friction, there is a discreet little walk you can do to get them out without missing a step.  I am pretty sure I invented the FGS in the eighties.  Then I see a girl with mid calf black boots and a mini skirt and tank top.  REALLY?  you are on a picnic in that?  You look like you are going to a concert.  Also, during a recent trip to the zoo, I saw two ladies get out of their car looking like they were going to a Chicago nightclub.  I actually said out loud, "are you kidding me ladies?"  For those of you who don't know I have a constant dialog going on in my head with myself, sometimes I do say the words "out loud".  It is a wonder I haven't been in more fist fights.   

Before you start to believe this chubby is judgemental trust me, there are several bad clothing choices that should have got me a spot on "What NOT to wear".  I look back and think wow, I really wore that?  And help me if there are pictures of the tragedy.  Forever on film.  It is funny to me that women (can't speak for the men but I can't imagine they do this) will pick a totally inappropriate outfit in an attempt to be cute.  There is an exception to this.  It is shoes.  If the shoes are cute I will wear them even if my feet get blisters and bleed.  They are a weakness.  Which reminds me of a bad choice I made years ago all in an attempt to "look cute".

When you visit a theme park, take a look around.  The people serious about riding the rides and having a great day are dressed in shorts and t-shirts and most likely their most comfy pair of shoes.  Now admit it, have you ever looked around and thought, "WHY are you wearing that here?"  Well, when I was 15 I chose to "be cute" instead of comfortable.  I had a pair of jeans that I loved.  The were cropped and the only shoes they looked right in were my fav pair of white jellies with just a tiny heal on them.  I was warned by several people that they would not be comfortable and to choose something else.  BUT these shoes were the ONLY thing that looked good with the outfit I had chosen.  Well, let me just say, when you mix heat, and walking and water rides, jellies are not proper foot attire.  I was bleeding and whiny and forced to buy a pair of socks to wear in attempts to "pad" my feet from the terror.  It was just ugly. 

So trust me, I've done it.  I still do it.  But I do have enough sense not to wear a skirt zip lining or a dress to go ride a horse.   Hey maybe I could start a new show.  "What Not to Wear....." to the zoo, to the park, to the beach.  Oh don't get me started on the beach, an unlined white bathing suit is NEVER o.k. unless you are on a beach in Rio.  There are a little more free there. AND NAKED.  Which brings me to another subject for the future.  Those nudist camp people do it all in the nude.  EVEN VOLLEYBALL.  But that is for another time!!!

The truth about the juice

So, it has been a while and I realized I never updated the end results of my juicing adventure.  Let me just say after day two, I was ready to throw in the towel.  But fortunately, I am stubborn and continued to think that I would torture myself a little more.  Not to mention I  couldn't throw in the towel because I was too busy looking for another roll of toilet paper. 

Day 3:   I awoke again cranky and had NO ENERGY.  It felt as if I was coming down with the flu or something.  My husband begged me to eat something.  I don't think he was worried about me fainting due to hunger, I think he was sick of my nasty attitude.  I was short tempered and just overall in a state of irritation.  After hearing him pleading with me to eat something, my five year old ran to the cupboard and brought me back some Goldfish.  "Here mama, eat some of my Goldfish".  Again, I think my family was scared of me.  At this point, I gave in and ate a little something.  But I continued to juice the rest of the day. 

Day 4:  Hallelujah!  I awoke feeling great.  I felt lighter and healthier and not to sound to weird, but my mind felt clear and alert.  I had heard that this happened on some of the research I did on juicing, but I figured that was some crazy people who were out of touch with reality.  Kind of like having a colonic and feeling euphoric!!! But still this day, day four, I felt incredible.  It actually prompted me to continue for three more days.  All in all, I lost 11 pounds that week.  I felt really good and if nothing else it made me realize how the junky processed foods made me feel and how when I eliminated them I felt so much better.  So I would give the old juicing fast 2 thumbs up.  It is something that I would like to incorporate into my life on occasion to just detox from all the junk. 

On to 5K news.  I mean originally this is why I started this blog.  I wanted to run a 5K.  Of course I am close to two years behind on that goal and with the stops and starts on my couch to 5K training, it wasn't looking good.  However, I am happy to say, I have signed up for a 5K in July in Indianapolis.  It is called The Color Run and apparently after each K they throw colored powder at the runners who are all required to wear white shirts.  So by the end of the race you are covered in a rainbow of colors.  It sounds like a blast and I'm actually excited about it.  I just finished week one of training and dare I say it.....I may even like running.  I think I like the challenge of my body doing something that someone my size shouldn't be able to do.  Mind you I am working on stamina right now...the speed (hopefully) will come later.   Besides I figure, if I can't make it I will secretly find a ride close to the finish line, hide behind some bushes and carefully open color coordinated packets of Kool Aid and throw them all over myself.  See, this chubby girl always has a plan. 

Finding myself......in the bathroom that is.

No one told me about day two. I guess I really didn't see it coming. My husband told me I should have expected it. But really? I literally woke up feeling like I was in labor. Like a semi truck was being driven through my intestines. I noticed as I laid there that morning, my stomach was making a ton of gurgles, that I assumed was hunger. NOPE, as soon as my feet hit the ground that day, I was running to the bathroom.

Then the juice was making me nausesous. So my whole entire stomach was messed up. I was fearful to go anywhere thinking I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Now being as impatient as I am, I didnt really research juicing. I just got some recipes, bought a juicer and let her rip, for lack of a better term. So I decided to watch a video on youtube about a lady showing you how to juice and giving you some tips. As soon as the lady said, "you don't really feel deprived when you juice because you aren't giving anything up", I wanted to hit her in the face. What is she talking about? Not depriving yourself? What about solid food?

This reminded me of the time I saw something about colonics on television. A colonic is a fancy spa name for an enema. This crazy lady on the show said a coffee colonic made her feel alive and "one with her spirit" Ask my husband, I went off about it for about an hour. Seriously, if you are finding yourself and feeling one with your spirit because you power sprayed some coffee up your rear, maybe you should spend your spa money on a shrink. Hey, like Oprah says a good poop can make you feel great, but I am pretty sure I have never had an awakening over a poop. Although, I have heard some men talk about it like it was a spiritual awakening.

Well, let me say, after day two, if that was true, this girl would be as alive and one with my spirit like never before.

Day 1....Let's do this!

So anytime you start out on a new journey, it seems good. You are ready for a new challenge. You feel like positive changes are coming. This was my attitude toward juicing. Until about 10:00 a.m the first day. Now wait, before you judge, know I get up around 5:00 a.m. so I was well into this new journey.

I was determined to drink every last bit of the green mess my husband had made the night before. Two glasses down, I had decided enough was enough. I dropped my 5 year old off at school and me and the baby headed to the nearest produce aisle. I spent $50.00 on nothing but fruit and green leafy vegetables. By the time I got home, I was so hungry I put the baby in the family room and gave her some goldfish and went to washing and cutting. But by the time I was ready to juice, I had to go pick up my daughter from school.

By the time I got home I was famished. So I began to attack the juicer like Edward Scissorhands would a unmanicured bush. I made a total mess and my counter literally looked like its own farmer's market. After I cussed at the machine calling it a piece of junk I realized I had forgot to attach the "catcher" that catches all the pulp and waste. Sometimes my brillance amazes me. I was impressed with the taste of anything I tried. The only thing I could handle was a recipe called "happy hour" go figure. It was like a bloody mary. The whole entire day I was cranky because missing from my bloody mary juice was the VODKA!!!! I was hungry and crabby and just plain mean. I wanted to hit something. Is this part of the detox? Not sure. Could just be my personality. If you ask people closest to me they may not even have noticed a difference. But I felt it. I was just plain angry.

Everywhere I went I swear I smelled cilantro. I kept smelling my shirt and my hands. I think I was plain sweating that stuff out my pores. I am still cleaning bits of parsely off of my kitchen floor and counter. My kitchen smells like a big tossed salad. It wasn't until I put a mint in my mouth later that night that I realized 3 mints later, I was chewing them like they were salt water taffy. Wow. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.

The Good, the Bad and the JUICY!

I know its been a while. A lot has been going on. I won't bore you with all the details, but I recently had some tests ran at the doctor to see where I am health wise. Actually truth be told, shortly after the new year, I started having chest pains. So I thought I would get it checked out. Turns out, I am fine. The chest pains were caused by a combination of herbs I was taking causing me gas in my chest and a pulled chest muscle caused by an over zealous New Year's Eve involving the Wii and Michael Jackson. The combination together made this girl think I was having a heart attack.

Almost all the news was good. In fact the doctor said, "looks pretty darn good" To which I responded, "shocking for a fat girl huh'? I was scared to get the tests results to be honest and relieved when I did. I was laying in bed one morning and I said to my husband before the results came in, "time to pay the piper". Meaning I thought all the crap I had done over the years to my body was finally going to rear its ugly hear and bite me in the ass.

This whole experience sending me on a new journey. This is where what this blog is about really comes in. I was introduced (by friends or foes the jury is still out) to the concept of juicing. In an attempt to "re boot" myself, I decided to give it a try. I mean what do I have to lose? Pun intended. I decided this experience was too good not to share with you all. So here goes.

The day before I begin the fast the juicer arrives from Amazon.com. It is so intimidating I waited for my husband to get home to even attempt to use it. He comes in and starts juicing every bit of produce we have in the fridge. No directions, no recipes. He is a true man. He can juice without a clue. Well, for some reason he opens the machine while it is juicing. I guess it was that little moment when the little boy in him wanted to see how the darn thing worked. Can I just say tomatoes and kale thrown all over my kitchen walls. Not to mention the puddle of nasty green goo on the floor. To make it worse, the concoction he invented was enough to gag both of us.

After this experience, I decide that people lose weight on a juice fast due to the calories burned cleaning up the mess the juicer left. It was ridiculous. So that is how the whole thing got started off. But, you will have to wait to hear of the fun I began to experience when the juice fast actually started. So stayed tuned.

Wake up call

Wake up call. No not the kind you get when you tell the front desk at the hotel to give you a call in the morning so you can check out on time. The kind that makes you realize its time to lose some weight. Now, being a lifetime chubster, I have had several. Most of which have forced me to lose weight for a little time then pile it back on once the wake up call becomes a memory.

Most of my wake up calls have involved trying on clothes in a dressing room at a clothing store, and imminent appointment with the doctor that will require me to get on the scale. They have sometimes been in the preceding months before a vacation. But this morning, no dr.s appointment, no dressing room and no planned vacations. It was an average day in my house going about my daily business. Totally unexpected.

Being the multi-tasker I claim to be, I had just finished bathing my 14 month old. She likes to spend some time playing in tub while strapped into her bathseat. So, I strategically placed the full length mirror in such a way that I can sit next to the tub with her and put my make-up on at the same time. I wasn't even planning on leaving the house today, yet I ALWAYS put a face on and most times do my hair. BECAUSE you never know when Publisher's Clearing House will show up. I would hate to have to hide behind that big bouquet of balloons while getting my grand prize. ( I don't even enter by the way) Seriously, if they showed up when I had not put my face on and done my hair, I would decline the prize. REALLY I would. I would yell through the locked door "give it to my neighbor".

So I have several full length mirrors in my house. I hate them all. I avoid them. But I do stand at the one in my bathroom and put my make-up on everyday. Occassionally I will eye-ball myself to make sure my outfit is all tucked in and nothing is hanging out but other than that I focus on my face. But today was different. I was sitting down and I realized how bad it looked with all my body weight fully compressed in a sitting position. I looked then blinked, then looked again. All I could say was "wow" 3 times. My baby learned a new word today. By the third "wow" she said, "WOOOOOW". Yes little one, I couldn't agree more.

I can tell you I am making progress because I refused to go into the kitchen and pour carbs down my throat. It is what it is. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I will use this as a visual aid when I want to "pig out". Soooo long sweet denial. I will miss you.

Happy New Year

And so it begins, another New Year. Two thousand and twelve. I purposely avoided blogging at the start of the new year. I didn't want to start out all strong and then you all expect me to be an actual "good" blogger this year.

I hope you all don't expect me to come out and give my new year's resolution list. I learned a long time ago not to make them. It's too much pressure. Plus, I tend to believe not only do we set ourselves up for failure by making them, we sometimes do some major damage before the new year hits.

I can't tell you how many times I have made the resolution to lose weight...EVERY YEAR the same resolution and started on some kind of crazy holiday eating frenzy beforehand. I truly believe I added up excessive calories just because the new year was coming and that resolution to lose weight would be looming over my head. So, I am not sure if this is how normal weight people think but I can tell you a chubby mind hears.....THE END IS NEAR. "Eat more cookies, don't miss out on that yummy spinach dip your sister-in-law makes, oooh is that whipping cream for the pie?, I'll take some of that in my coffee too, oh my gosh, is that my favorite pair of roomy sweat pants I just found in the back of my closet? These babies will carry me through to the New Year if my jeans get tight...where in the heck is that leftover cheese ball, what? no more Ritz crackers? Awe just spread that on some bread and eat it...oooh with ham that would be good and then grill it in some butter."

See, this is why I refuse to make a resolution. I can tell you this. I have to run a 5K because I am a person of my word. I keep my promises to everyone else. So this year if you consider this a resolution here it is. I will put myself on the list this year. I will make my health a priority. Blessings to you all this new year.