Friday, February 11, 2011

Mid-life crisis

The other night after a particularly difficult day with a 4 year old and a 3 month old something occurred to me. My baby for some reason refused to go to sleep and I was exhausted. After the "crying it out" wasn't working and it was weighing on my nerves (it had only been a minute) I sprang out of bed to get her. My husband, who I am sure was scared to ask said, "what can I do to help you?" To which I replied, "I don't need your help, I want to go run away, smoke a joint, drink a beer and drive around in a camaro with a t-top and forget I have any responsiblity." Then I stormed downstairs baby in arms. As I reached the final step, I looked at my baby who gave me her best toothless grin. "Yes, little girl, your mama is irrational at times, I would be smiling too if I were you." I can only imagine what my husband must have been thinking, but he chose to stay in bed...he is smart man.

As I looked at my little blessing from above, I thought, "what is wrong with me?" I mean even back in the day, I didn't smoke pot and beer was never my thing. Then it came to me. I think I am having a mid-life crisis. Now mind you I think you can have several mini mid-life crisis'. I think I have had one every year since I turned 35 right around my birthday. Every September I get this weird feeling of doom that lasts until Halloween (which is my birthday) then it passes and I get on with it. But this year, I turned 40....this could be the BIG ONE!!!

According to a google definiton, crisis means and unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty. A crucial stage or turning point in the course of something. Well, I'm not in danger, but I can be a little "unstable" and turning 40 could be a crucial stage. All this makes me have my own defintion. A mid-life crisis to me is realizing in your 40's you will never be what you wanted to be in your 20's.

By now in life I was supposed to be an awesome journalist. Risking my life to get the story and bring it to the public. Then after I got tired of that I would retire to write several novels. I would spend time traveling to beautiful places to seek inspiration to write my next masterpiece. Of course back then, that would probably involved some sort of tawdry romance novel. You know the kind where the picture on the cover is Fabio holding on to the a girl thats dress is falling off and hair flowing in the breeze. Pathetic, I know. Thank God, I have matured on some level.

To top it all off we got our taxes from the accountant this week. When my husband asked me to sign it there it was the blank spot for my signature right next to my title...HOUSEWIFE!!!!! I wanted to cry right then. The funny thing is, I'm not unhappy with where I am. It just isn't what I had planned. When you are changing diapers and being puked on most days, it makes you question your purpose. Who am I? Or better yet, Who WAS I? It's like a line from my favorite George Michael song, Freedom. "theres someone I forgot to be". I think this year, I am going to make it about finding purpose and passion again. I mean my purpose is to be a mom, I know that. But that has to be room for me to find passion about something I love again right? Maybe just re-invent myself a little. I mean how many times has Madonna done it?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hows that working for ya?

My favorite all time lines of Dr. Phil's is when he asked one of his guests, "hows that working for ya"? During the last year, I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching on the whole weight loss journey I feel like I've been on since I came out of the womb. That of course is a gross exaggeration but it feels that way to me. Anyway, I think I need to change some things up. Because by looking at my jean size all my attempts to lose weight "ain't working for me"!!

So I have made a vow, not to say I am on a diet. I mean come on, we all know diets don't work. Richard Simmons figured this out in the eighties. Remember when he came out with this one..."the word diet has the word DIE in it. I don't want you to die, I want you to live". So he referred to his weight loss program and a "liveit". God bless that little curly headed man in his ultra tight striped shorts!!! All joking aside, he had it right. It is truly about lifestyle change. Diets don't work. I've tried them all and last time I checked...still fat.

So I thought of some of my typical pitfalls. First of all no mention of the word diet. Second of all I will never start my "lifestyle change" on January 1st or Monday. Those days are doomed to end in failure when you are trying to lose weight. I need to also get rid of my "all or nothing" attitude. For example, I started counting points with Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago. I feel like this program enables you to eat real food, teach portion control and let you live a normal life while trying to shed pounds. I thought maybe I would let myself have Sunday as a cheat day. First week went well, then cheat day Sunday came (which I should know the word cheat is not very promising) I will refer to it as a "free day" Well, "free day" Sunday came and turned into "free day" Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. What the heck is wrong with me? I am either counting every point and measuring my low fat mayo with a teaspoon or I am eating whatever I want all day long!!!

It became obvious to me that I had racked up more "free days" in life by the looks of my waist. I am like that with exercise too. I either work out EVERY day for an hour or don't do it at all. I firmly believe and I think experts say this, you will not lose weight until you are so sick of being overweight you have to make the changes. I have been there. Before I had my first daughter, I worked out 7 hours a week, ate nothing white (flour, sugar, potatoes) and wouldn't eat even an apple 3 hours before bedtime. I did lose weight. Problem is I haven't had that kind of motivation since. I saw a spark of it when I began training for the 5K back in February. But then the pregnancy and adding another baby to the mix has thrown me again off the wagon.

So there it is. I am struggling. And it is out there for all of you to know. Some days I could kick myself for starting this blog and saying I'd run a 5K because I have doubt. Not that I CAN do it...but that I WILL. Thanks to all of you who are cheering me on and thanks for letting me be honest and ramble with all my craziness.