Friday, November 11, 2011

Pros and Cons

So how many times in our lives have we made a list of pros and cons? Usually this tactic is used to make a big decision in one's life. Being overweight doesn't seem like a reason to make one of those lists. I mean the list for being overweight would all be cons right? I mean we know, high blood pressure, diabetes, and lets not forget poor fashion choices!!! But, being a chubby girl for as many years as I have that con list can be a girl down, so are there pros to being overweight? I think maybe.

First overweight people invent things. Like that bowl at KFC. You know the one with the pile of potatoes, and chicken nuggets, and corn and cheese. I think they added bacon recently also. The first time I saw that advertised on T.V. , I turned to my husband and said, "you know a fat person created that". I mean I can see a ravenous chubster like myself scrounging through the kitchen looking for something to eat and start piling that all together in a bowl of delicious yummyness. People who like to eat are responsible for some of the best tasting recipes on earth. I haven't done my research but I am pretty sure you can track butter, mayonaise and cheese all to the chubbies.

Another thing I am not sure about but I am pretty sure the that we can also take responsibility for Anti Monkey Butt. Yes this is an actual name of a product for anti-chaffing. I am pretty sure this was a chubby man invention. Because I believe a women would have given it a better name like Silky Moves. The reason I say this is because have you ever noticed plus size women store names....Lane Bryant, 16 Plus, The Avenue. Men's plus size clothes shops come to terms with the situation right in there name....Big and Tall. It reminds me of the chubby boy jeans called husky.

Another Pro of being overweight (since jr. high) was that I was not worried about my weight when I showed up for my 20 year high school class reunion. I mean it wasn't like I was skinny in high school and then showed up packing another 80 lbs. People expected me to show up like this. Sure it would have been nice to walk in looking like I just came from my after commercial for Jenny Craig, but I gotta tell you, it really took the pressure off. This stresses some people out so bad they don't even go. I went and was like, "yep, still fat".

So, I am in no way trying to make light of being overweight. It really does stink. I could give you a longer list of cons, but I refuse to being a whiny butt over it. It is my problem and I own it. Will I ever quit trying to lose weight? No, I will struggle with this issue (whether I lose weight or not) until I leave this earth. Besides, if I focus on the negative that will depress me and then I will want to eat, but then again maybe KFC is looking for another unhealthy way to serve up greasy chicken and I could be instrumental in that creation.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Fashion Faux Pas

My irritation with the fashion world began when I was about 11. That is due to the fact that I had grown out of "girl" sizes and wasn't quite ready for the "old lady" look. I mean I was 11, paisley and polyester were NOT an option. My problem was usually always jeans. I still can't find any decent ones. The only ones I found a few years back that I liked totally fit in the "mom" jean category. I know I am a mom, but I don't want to be seen in one of those magazines with a big splat of black over my eyes with a big DON'T across it. I mean this is a fat girls secret fear anyway. Every time I see a Dateline or Today Show exclusive on the fattys in American, I get a little nervous to see if I will show up with my face bleeped out. Of course if that did happen, I am sure it would be while I was at the fair carrying a big fat elephant ear or a fried candy bar. Seriously, have you ever thought of those poor people being taped? Can you imagine being the camera guy on that assignment. Find the fattys, eating or in really bad outfits that accentuate their spare tire or back fat. Someone in the history of the world has HAD to seen themselves on T.V. like that, am I right?
But, I digress, back to fashion. So jeans. Always a problem because if I got them to fit me in the waist, the legs were huge. See the fashion world thinks if your waist is my size, you must have huge legs which I do not. I am pretty sure I invented M.C.Hammer pants before anyone knew who he was. So not cool. Then comes for lack of a better word my ass...or lack thereof. Its flat. Its hard as a rock with no cellulite (last time I checked, that could be a lie, I don't look at it often) When I put on a pair of jeans, I joke that it looks like I've been hit over and over again in my ass with a board!!! FLAT FLAT FLAT...SO not flattering in jeans. I have tried pockets, no pockets high pockets low pockets. Nothing helps. So I did what any typical women in America would do. I bought a butt. No, not like the fancy expensive ones you get in Hollywood that put you down for 6 to 8 weeks. No surgery here. I bought a pair of panties with padding just in the cheek area.
So in an effort to see if my new found butt was a go, I strutted out in my best "non, mom" jeans through the living room past my husband. Surely he will notice. We've been laughing about my flat ass for years. So when he didn't notice, I said rather loudly and quite irritated, "DOES, MY BUT LOOK DIFFERENT?" After taking a couple of hard looks he says timidly, "yeah, it looks a little different (like he couldn't pin-point it) then I got the total response I was waiting for...."why are your ass cheeks so high up?" Enough said. Generic panty butt a no-go.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Do you smell that?

I get up early most mornings. This allows me to wake up and drink a pot of coffee (yea, I said a pot, don't judge me) before I have to be a mom. Being that I don't watch a lot of T.V. besides kids programs or sports, (because I have kids and a husband) I sometimes try to find something I am interested in. Most of the time I am up so early it is all about infomercials.

This morning I started with why Cindy Crawford looks so good at 43. Of course it is her moisturizer that some dermatologist from France or somewhere developed with a secret ingredient. I quickly turned that one. I mean I am 40, I have never looked like Cindy Crawford, and I am old enough not to fall for that one anymore. Oh the money, I have wasted on lies.

So I only listened to that for a minute or two. Then I channel surfed across a product I had never heard of before. Nasal Soft Strips. This is the description from the website: Nasal Soft Strips are small strips that bend comfortably to the bottom (septum) of your nose and deliver specific essential oils and vapors that are known to have health benefits. They were basically talking about using them for appetite control. They boasted that wearing it only 2 minutes signaled to you brain that you were not hungry for up to 4 hours.

So, prepare yourself, here goes my chubby girl rant! Most overweight people are NOT eating only when they are hungry. If that was the case they probably would not be overweight. So I guess the idea of "appetite suppressant" has never made sense to me. So imagine my thoughts when I see a piece of paper that you put in your nose that looks like a paper nose ring and I guess drive around town (now you're not only fat you look like an idiot) and I just have to say, I don't care if that piece of paper smells like a monkey's ass, if there is a Krispy Creme doughnut on the counter and I want it I am eating it. So that is all I have to say about that. I feel so much better now.

Oh, I also discovered I have found my true calling. I want to be an infomercial actress. I love how they "overact" all their expressions. TOO funny...wonder how much they get paid??!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'll take a basket of onion rings please!!

Today I woke up groggy in a strange place. Due to some home repairs we have relocated for a few days. After my initial "where am I" thought, my next thought was, "I'm still going to be fat this summer" SIGH! I find myself in a place of total diet frustration. Its a familiar place for me. I also wondered how many times I woke up with food on my mind. What should I eat today? Not because I am hungry, but because I have laid in bed many mornings wondering...should I eat low fat today?...or low carb...or a fast? how about a 3 day fast? I could just drink juice or eat just fruits and veggies??!! Let me just say I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I have been training seriously for the 5k for 3 weeks and I have gained weight. I know what you are thinking! "well, what have you been eating?! Well no more than I was 3 weeks ago with NO EXERCISE!!!!

I have to tell you I am becoming an angry fat girl. I am starting to "totally dislike" (I would use the word hate but my mama always told me thats a strong word) people who "on a whim" decide to do some exercise a couple times a week and drop 4 dress sizes. I find it extremely irritating that someone can give up "fast food" and drop 20 lbs. REALLY? And don't give me that crap about parking your car farther away from the shopping mall, and taking the stairs and giving up regular pop or replacing one meal a day with a protein shake!!!! DONE IT ALL. STILL FAT! I must go up the stairs 30 times a day.

Yesterday, I caught a commercial for the weight loss drug Alli. I actually considered it and I am totally anti drug for weight loss. I mean eventually you have to stop taking the drug and then you gain the weight back right? I believe Alli is the one that gives you, "greasy gas". Yep, like when you "pass wind" as my aunt used to say, you leave a greasy stain in your pants!!! I don't know if its true, but I was desperate enough to ponder the thought for a minute. I mean come on people, I am so desperate to lose a few lbs (ok a lot more than a few) that I would be willing to take a drug that possibly would leave my pants looking like the soaked piece of paper at the bottom of an onion ring basket? This craziness has to stop.

I seriously wished I would have never put all this out for everyone to read. Then I could just go hide in the closet with a 6 pack of Yoo hoo and some Reeses peanut butter cups and be left alone.
But I wanted some accountability. If I know others are watching, I thought I would "do better". Like when you have to be put on the scale each week at a Weight Watchers meeting. You have "pressure" to do better. That donut you are about to eat will show up on the scale and you will feel the embarrassment as the 'weigher"writes down your weight.

Oh well, sorry for the rant. One day, I am going to carry around a paper and pen and write down every thought that goes through my head in a day....then you would all KNOW I am crazy

Oh, before I forget, the Poo-Pourri has my vote. I took it to my family's Easter celebration and was disappointed when no one has "to go". Every time someone headed to the bathroom I was like, "you gotta poo?" I wanted to share my latest find with everyone. I know that I will feel a lot more confident with that little spray bottle in my purse.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Deja Poo and Zumba too!!

Really, I wish I could be one of those people who make money from testing out products and giving their feedback. I'm always on the lookout for new things, new cleaning products, new make-up, new recipes. This week I was introduced to two new things. Poo-Pourri and Zumba.
First I will discuss Zumba. It is a crazy dance workout that is supposed to burn 1000 calories an hour. Well, I purchased the Zumba workout for the Wii. I tried it last night. Let me just say, first of all, I have lost my rhythm and range of motion. Or I never had either. I think I could burn 1000 calories just flinging myself around trying to learn the motions. My baby who sat in her bouncy seat watching found it entertaining. Another plus for a busy mom of two, you have to keep them entertained. Anyway, I really liked it and it was fun. However, I would never attempt it in public. I've seen the infomercials for Zumba with the classes packed full of people. Let me just say that I would be the one that everyone stepped back and watched. But not because of my fancy dance moves. Because I would be clearing a path all around me trying to go the right way. This next product could be life changing for me. I hope you're not offended by this subject...BUT I JUST GOTTA do it. First let me just say, there is an actual book out there called, "Everybody Poops". But I am a closet pooper. No I don't poop in my closets. I refuse to go anywhere but home. I falsely believe I have trained my body not to go once I walk outside my door and I can honestly say it hasn't happened. I actually told my husband once at a store when I had a disturbing rumbling belly ache..."if I come up missing, I will be in the car, pooping my pants" Oh yeah, I'm that crazy about it. I actually get embarrassed when other people have to poo in public. I have actually almost peed my pants because I have walked into a public bathroom where someone had left such a smell, I ran out before anyone would even consider I had done it. So now with that background, you will know why I find this next product so appealing. It is called Poo-Pourri. It is a product that claims to create a film on the surface of the toilet that will not allow stinky poo smells to enter the air. There are different types you can buy with names like Deja Poo, Heavy Doody, Oh! My Goodness, and my personal favorite Trap a Crap. You can say what you want, but the "courtesy flush" really doesn't work. Its too late. I've always wondering how you can be flushing and the very moment you make your first "deposit" and the smell lingers. Seriously, I was so excited to find out about this. Not only for myself but for all the people I know suffer with IBS or a spastic colon. This product (if it truly works) should be in EVERY bathroom in America. Because no one wants to smell someone elses poo. I know everyone does it. I know its a healthy bodily function. I just don't want to smell it. So there I said it. I plan on ordering some of this stuff and trying it out. I will let you know if it works. Heck, if it does work, I just may show up on your door step and ask to use your bathroom.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Mid-life crisis

The other night after a particularly difficult day with a 4 year old and a 3 month old something occurred to me. My baby for some reason refused to go to sleep and I was exhausted. After the "crying it out" wasn't working and it was weighing on my nerves (it had only been a minute) I sprang out of bed to get her. My husband, who I am sure was scared to ask said, "what can I do to help you?" To which I replied, "I don't need your help, I want to go run away, smoke a joint, drink a beer and drive around in a camaro with a t-top and forget I have any responsiblity." Then I stormed downstairs baby in arms. As I reached the final step, I looked at my baby who gave me her best toothless grin. "Yes, little girl, your mama is irrational at times, I would be smiling too if I were you." I can only imagine what my husband must have been thinking, but he chose to stay in bed...he is smart man.

As I looked at my little blessing from above, I thought, "what is wrong with me?" I mean even back in the day, I didn't smoke pot and beer was never my thing. Then it came to me. I think I am having a mid-life crisis. Now mind you I think you can have several mini mid-life crisis'. I think I have had one every year since I turned 35 right around my birthday. Every September I get this weird feeling of doom that lasts until Halloween (which is my birthday) then it passes and I get on with it. But this year, I turned 40....this could be the BIG ONE!!!

According to a google definiton, crisis means and unstable situation of extreme danger or difficulty. A crucial stage or turning point in the course of something. Well, I'm not in danger, but I can be a little "unstable" and turning 40 could be a crucial stage. All this makes me have my own defintion. A mid-life crisis to me is realizing in your 40's you will never be what you wanted to be in your 20's.

By now in life I was supposed to be an awesome journalist. Risking my life to get the story and bring it to the public. Then after I got tired of that I would retire to write several novels. I would spend time traveling to beautiful places to seek inspiration to write my next masterpiece. Of course back then, that would probably involved some sort of tawdry romance novel. You know the kind where the picture on the cover is Fabio holding on to the a girl thats dress is falling off and hair flowing in the breeze. Pathetic, I know. Thank God, I have matured on some level.

To top it all off we got our taxes from the accountant this week. When my husband asked me to sign it there it was the blank spot for my signature right next to my title...HOUSEWIFE!!!!! I wanted to cry right then. The funny thing is, I'm not unhappy with where I am. It just isn't what I had planned. When you are changing diapers and being puked on most days, it makes you question your purpose. Who am I? Or better yet, Who WAS I? It's like a line from my favorite George Michael song, Freedom. "theres someone I forgot to be". I think this year, I am going to make it about finding purpose and passion again. I mean my purpose is to be a mom, I know that. But that has to be room for me to find passion about something I love again right? Maybe just re-invent myself a little. I mean how many times has Madonna done it?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hows that working for ya?

My favorite all time lines of Dr. Phil's is when he asked one of his guests, "hows that working for ya"? During the last year, I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching on the whole weight loss journey I feel like I've been on since I came out of the womb. That of course is a gross exaggeration but it feels that way to me. Anyway, I think I need to change some things up. Because by looking at my jean size all my attempts to lose weight "ain't working for me"!!

So I have made a vow, not to say I am on a diet. I mean come on, we all know diets don't work. Richard Simmons figured this out in the eighties. Remember when he came out with this one..."the word diet has the word DIE in it. I don't want you to die, I want you to live". So he referred to his weight loss program and a "liveit". God bless that little curly headed man in his ultra tight striped shorts!!! All joking aside, he had it right. It is truly about lifestyle change. Diets don't work. I've tried them all and last time I checked...still fat.

So I thought of some of my typical pitfalls. First of all no mention of the word diet. Second of all I will never start my "lifestyle change" on January 1st or Monday. Those days are doomed to end in failure when you are trying to lose weight. I need to also get rid of my "all or nothing" attitude. For example, I started counting points with Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago. I feel like this program enables you to eat real food, teach portion control and let you live a normal life while trying to shed pounds. I thought maybe I would let myself have Sunday as a cheat day. First week went well, then cheat day Sunday came (which I should know the word cheat is not very promising) I will refer to it as a "free day" Well, "free day" Sunday came and turned into "free day" Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. What the heck is wrong with me? I am either counting every point and measuring my low fat mayo with a teaspoon or I am eating whatever I want all day long!!!

It became obvious to me that I had racked up more "free days" in life by the looks of my waist. I am like that with exercise too. I either work out EVERY day for an hour or don't do it at all. I firmly believe and I think experts say this, you will not lose weight until you are so sick of being overweight you have to make the changes. I have been there. Before I had my first daughter, I worked out 7 hours a week, ate nothing white (flour, sugar, potatoes) and wouldn't eat even an apple 3 hours before bedtime. I did lose weight. Problem is I haven't had that kind of motivation since. I saw a spark of it when I began training for the 5K back in February. But then the pregnancy and adding another baby to the mix has thrown me again off the wagon.

So there it is. I am struggling. And it is out there for all of you to know. Some days I could kick myself for starting this blog and saying I'd run a 5K because I have doubt. Not that I CAN do it...but that I WILL. Thanks to all of you who are cheering me on and thanks for letting me be honest and ramble with all my craziness.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Are you ready?

In Dr. Phil's book, The Ultimate Weight Solution he has a chapter called "Are you ready?" It has a list of statements that you are supposed to answer yes, no or undecided. It is all in an attempt to find out if you are really serious about losing weight. Yes there are several things one needs to consider before embarking on a weight loss journey. You need to take a good look at yourself and your life and why you should lose weight. To feel better, look better, live longer. So I've been thinking lately, what are the reasons that I have that tell me I am ready.....

#1 My daughter asked me the other day, if there was another baby in my belly.

#2 I realized the other day, I wasted money on a boppy (which is a pillow that wraps around your midsection to position your baby for feeding them) because I have a built in boppy.

#3 I am sick of having so many different sizes in my closet (AND THERE ALL PLUS SIZES)

#4 I am tired of getting into my jeans being an olympic sport.

#5 A few months back I lost my loofah in the shower, after looking for several minutes, I found it...............................under one of my breasts!

ENOUGH SAID!!!!! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some running to do!!!!