Friday, February 24, 2017

Who Am I?

Anyone who reads this blog realizes I am honest.  Also, you realize my blogging is very inconsistent.  If you notice, I have not written anything for over a year.  There is a reason for this and I'm about to get honest about it.  I'm not sure this blog with contain as much humor as you are all used to but sometimes I am just not laughing. 

Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That's who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesn't believe it    C. Assaad

I posted the above statement on my Facebook page a few days ago.  It has really stuck with me and I have been pondering it the last few days.  Another thing I have been thinking about since 2008 when my mom died is what people would say about me at my funeral.  In the last 9 years, I have lost my mom, and both my husband's parents.  I was blessed by all the wonderful things people said about three of the most important people in my life.   It was good to laugh at stories and share memories or crazy things they did or how they made you  feel.  I recalled no one mentioned what kind of house they lived in but the feeling you had when you came into their house.  Their willingness to care for you and feed you and love you.  Simple.  If you asked the three of them about their earthly lives, they would say they did not accomplish much.  They would talk about their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren.  They would talk about friends and family.  

I realized that really what is important in life is how you make people feel.  Good or bad.  So when I came across the about quote by C. Assaad, it went hand in hand with that.  Who am I and how do I make people feel?  What is the best version of me?

So this is what she looks like. 

She makes people laugh.  She always sees the good in people.  She is kind and loving.  She is not depressed or negative.  She always looks on the bright side and is full of hope  She doesn't worry or fret because she knows God is in control.  She believes in Jesus and is so confident in Him and His promises that when she prays, it is with such authority and confidence, circumstances change.  Her relationships are honest and pure.  She is not full of fear.  She is fearless.  When people walk away from a conversation with her, they feel better about themselves and their circumstances.  She is a world changer.  She is an encourager.  She if a fighter. She is loyal.  She loves hard and completely. 

I read that and think, "yep, that's the real me".  Problem is I for years have let that girl be suppressed and pressed down.  Truth is for the last few years, I have experienced a depression that has crippled and hidden that girl.  She has been rendered useless (if even only in her own eyes)  The world has not been fair to her and she has crumbled under the pressure.  She has forgotten her first love (Jesus in case you were wondering) And she had lost all joy.  She has woken up  in the morning and been filled with dread. 

This is why I haven't blogged.  I feel like what do I have to offer in this state?  But the truth is, I know I'm not alone.  I know many of you struggle with joy and purpose and life.  So I decided to tell the truth.  This is who I've become.  But, I have  a God who loves me and has been calling me out of the dark.  Its funny, I relate so much to music I  just heard Gloria Estefan belt out, "COMING OUT OF THE DARK."

So there you are.  I know this blog probably did not make you laugh, but I promise the best is yet to come.  Because after all the first requirement of my best version is "she makes you laugh."