Aha Moments

A few months ago, I did my morning routine of stepping on the scale to check my weight. It is a habit I have tried to let go of, but like the Diet Coke it still is something I can't seem to let go of. This day was not unlike all the ones before, The 000 flashed a few times as I anxiously awaited only to display a number that was larger than the day before EVEN though I had been so good that day. I know what you are thinking. Weighing yourself everyday is stupid because your weight can fluctuate several pounds each day. I know, I know. But for some silly reason it has become a habit. I am so fearful that if I don't get on that scale everyday I will not have a "check" about my eating. Before I know it I could be bed ridden eating loaves of bread and pounds of bacon a day unable to walk. I would be on some show where a teary Richard Simmons would show up and cry with me and promise me to get some help. God bless that man for the work he does with the fatties. I know he gets it having been there himself. But, if I had him in my room begging me to let him help me I would only agree if he would promise me to get rid of those dreadful shorts he wears. He would have to promise, no satin, no stripes and not so short that I fear his giblets are going to play peak a boo while he is doing a pelvic thrust to tighten his "tush". But of course his "parts" are probably neatly and tightly tucked in those pantyhose he wears.

Hey, I love me some Richard, so don't think I am hating on him. We all have our stuff. His just happens to be on the verge of falling out his satin shorts. I can remember buying a Richard Simmons workout RECORD. Yes, I am not lying it was a record that played on a turntable and shouted out the next exercise. You had to learn the moves by looking at the guidebook that demonstrated them. It also had cheesy songs he sang if I remember right about it not being about potato chips or something. This is before I graduated and moved on to Jane Fonda with her "Complete" workout that had this chubby stumbling around my parents living room in an attempt to learn aerobics. That thing was 70 minutes long. Hey, it served its purpose, I may still be fat but to this day I can nail a grapevine!!!(that is an aerobic move in case you didn't know)

Back to the scale that day. I stepped off and of course the nasty thoughts came into my head. I don't need to tell you what they are but basically I convince myself I will be fat forever and I should just give up. BUT, what was different this day was the fact that I had this thought, "would I EVER speak to a friend or family member who was trying to lose weight the way I speak to myself?" OF COURSE NOT. If my sister called me and said she was up a few lbs I would never say, "You are never going to lose it you know?" "I mean why don't you just give up?" If a good friend called me depressed and said she got pictures back from a family function and felt horrible about herself what would I say? "Yep, you look really fat in that outfit." "Every picture of you looks like the "before" pictures on The Biggest Loser."

As Oprah would call it, I had a light bulb or aha moment right there. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I know we see every flaw. I often hear we need to be happy with our bodies. And every time I think "easy for you to say you are not morbidly obese." But I also had this thought, regardless of what my body may look like, it has served me well. It has allowed me to have two babies, it is still allowing me to walk around and move and experience life. That alone is a miracle with all the crap I've done to it, all the wrong foods I have put in it. All the chemicals I have put on it. That alone should have killed me. I mean with all the products and makeup and smelly lotions I have put on myself, I am practically a walking science project.

So, that is where I am. Can I put on a bathing suit and run down the beach without a cover up? NOPE. Can I put on a bathing suit and look in the mirror and be happy with what I see? NOPE. Do I look at the number on the scale and think, "I can live with that"? NOPE. But I am all I have. I've only been given one body and I refuse to spend the rest of my days hating it. Because it is amazing. Maybe not by Cosmopolitan standards, but still amazing.

Plateaus and tantrums.

Wow, it occurred to me that it is March and not only have I not lost any weight this year, I am up 11 lbs since Thanksgiving. Now before you go thinking the holidays threw me over the edge it really wasn't until January that I lost my focus. While everyone else was making their New Year's Resolutions to lose weight, I was digressing and falling away from my strict eating plan.

I have looked back recently to figure out where I "went wrong". I can tell you for me after working hard for a while on a new heatlthier life style I suddenly become like a rebelious child and begin eating the wrong things and ditching the exercise. I have examined when I began to lose focus. My lowest weight was on Thanksgiving morning. I got on that scale and resolved to stick to the plan that day. So while everyone else was munching down on the mashed potatoes and sweet treats, I stuck to the turkey and my Paleo pumpkin pie with the nut crust. I then proceeded to make cracker candy and cookies for all of the people at my husband's work and 6 of my surrounding neighbors without eating ANY!!!

So surely with all that determination and dedication, I continued to forge ahead in my get healthy plan right? NOPE. The scale WOULD NOT MOVE!!!! We then went on a cruise in January, where I allowed myself to eat carbs. I came home and actually the few lbs I gained was gone in a couple of days. BUT, the problem was I was angry. Angry that I had been so "good" over the holidays and no weight came off. Angry that I saw people of "normal" size pigging out on the cruise only to see them strut by me in a bikini on the deck the next day. The injustice of it all through me over the poor pity me edge.

I become like a little kid who didin't get their way and falls to the floor and kicks their feet. Although, I don't kick my feet, I rebel by eating foods I know I shouldn't. It is a horrible pattern I just recently recognized. I am like well if I am not going to lose weight I might as well enjoy food and not worry about it. It is almost like I am punishing my body for not responding to my efforts. The plateaus get me everytime.

So this blog is almost a confession. The good news is I recognized it before I packed on all 41 lbs back on. I still however am avoiding an appointment with my doctor because I don't want to feel like a loser. Nothing anyone can say will be worse than the things I say to myself. BUT, that kind of thinking is only going to put me in a downward spiral that will cause me to hit the fast food drive thrus and be eating frosting out of the tub with a spoon at midnight. I do love that my doctor recongnizes that not all "skinny" people are healthy. He assures me some of my numbers are better than some "normal" weight people but the superficial me thinks its better to look good in a bathing suit than have a good cholesterol panel. I can't carry my bloodwork around the beach and say hey look I'm a fatty but my HDL is great.

The good news in all this, is that The Color Run is coming to my town this year and I am already signed up. So my determination is still there. Reminds me of the words to a song by Chumbawumba...I get knocked down, but I get up again, you aint never gonna keep me down....the journey continues.

Money Back Guarantee!

While up early again with my coffee, trying to motivate myself to get on the treadmill, I come across a slew of informercials. I have mentioned this before but they always pull you in. You see the people trying to convince you that they are just like you. They have tried everything to lose weight, get rid of their acne and grow hair....or have hair permanently gone. But you know, this is the ONLY product that worked for them. Then you always see the flash of the bottom of the screen saying something about these are real people and not actors paid for thier testimony.

Let me just say, I am not naive enough to believe everything I see on T.V. or read on the internet. But I always think, if you truly struggled with weight or acne or no hair or too much, could you possible go on national t.v. and lie to people who struggle with the same thing? I mean doesn't that make you a mean person?

Being that I have been overweight most of my life, I can't imagine lying to anyone with that struggle to make a few bucks or see myself on t.v. I also sit and wonder, if THAT really worked, wouldn't fat, bald, acne ridden and hairy people be extinct? Why do we still have all these problems if all that stuff works?

As you can tell, I am a deep thinker at 4:45 in the morning. It may be the only time my brain truly functions (before the kids are up). It has given me the idea to actually try some of these products and blog my results. I mean I am not gonna lie. I am going to give you the truth. I am known for being too truthful at times, but I appreciate knowing the truth no matter how painful.

My first product I would like to "try out" is that Tummy Tuck Miracle system. It is basically a band you wear around your belly after putting on their special cream. You wear it for 10 minutes while doing some little toning exercises. Then you take it off and go about your slimming belly day. It says you can use it in addition to diet and exercise, but of course you don't need to. Its one of them eat like a pig and sit on your butt all day and watch your belly shrink and then switch over the QVC and buy yourself some new jeans cuz your gonna need em you hottie. And I realize that was a run on sentence but I did it for visual effect and humor content.

Let me just say, I am a firm believer in the true way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise. But considering I hold most of my weight in my belly what have I got to lose? I know $40 right? BUT, I figure I have spent more than that on "miracle creams" before and if it doesn't work, I'll have a mosturized gut and a cheap girdle. I mean I paid way more for my Spanx.