Fashion Faux Pas

My irritation with the fashion world began when I was about 11. That is due to the fact that I had grown out of "girl" sizes and wasn't quite ready for the "old lady" look. I mean I was 11, paisley and polyester were NOT an option. My problem was usually always jeans. I still can't find any decent ones. The only ones I found a few years back that I liked totally fit in the "mom" jean category. I know I am a mom, but I don't want to be seen in one of those magazines with a big splat of black over my eyes with a big DON'T across it. I mean this is a fat girls secret fear anyway. Every time I see a Dateline or Today Show exclusive on the fattys in American, I get a little nervous to see if I will show up with my face bleeped out. Of course if that did happen, I am sure it would be while I was at the fair carrying a big fat elephant ear or a fried candy bar. Seriously, have you ever thought of those poor people being taped? Can you imagine being the camera guy on that assignment. Find the fattys, eating or in really bad outfits that accentuate their spare tire or back fat. Someone in the history of the world has HAD to seen themselves on T.V. like that, am I right?

But, I digress, back to fashion. So jeans. Always a problem because if I got them to fit me in the waist, the legs were huge. See the fashion world thinks if your waist is my size, you must have huge legs which I do not. I am pretty sure I invented M.C.Hammer pants before anyone knew who he was. So not cool. Then comes for lack of a better word my ass...or lack thereof. Its flat. Its hard as a rock with no cellulite (last time I checked, that could be a lie, I don't look at it often) When I put on a pair of jeans, I joke that it looks like I've been hit over and over again in my ass with a board!!! FLAT FLAT FLAT...SO not flattering in jeans. I have tried pockets, no pockets high pockets low pockets. Nothing helps. So I did what any typical women in America would do. I bought a butt. No, not like the fancy expensive ones you get in Hollywood that put you down for 6 to 8 weeks. No surgery here. I bought a pair of panties with padding just in the cheek area.

So in an effort to see if my new found butt was a go, I strutted out in my best "non, mom" jeans through the living room past my husband. Surely he will notice. We've been laughing about my flat ass for years. So when he didn't notice, I said rather loudly and quite irritated, "DOES, MY BUT LOOK DIFFERENT?" After taking a couple of hard looks he says timidly, "yeah, it looks a little different (like he couldn't pin-point it) then I got the total response I was waiting for...."why are your ass cheeks so high up?" Enough said. Generic panty butt a no-go.