Wow, it occurred to me that it is March and not only have I not lost any weight this year, I am up 11 lbs since Thanksgiving. Now before you go thinking the holidays threw me over the edge it really wasn't until January that I lost my focus. While everyone else was making their New Year's Resolutions to lose weight, I was digressing and falling away from my strict eating plan.
I have looked back recently to figure out where I "went wrong". I can tell you for me after working hard for a while on a new heatlthier life style I suddenly become like a rebelious child and begin eating the wrong things and ditching the exercise. I have examined when I began to lose focus. My lowest weight was on Thanksgiving morning. I got on that scale and resolved to stick to the plan that day. So while everyone else was munching down on the mashed potatoes and sweet treats, I stuck to the turkey and my Paleo pumpkin pie with the nut crust. I then proceeded to make cracker candy and cookies for all of the people at my husband's work and 6 of my surrounding neighbors without eating ANY!!!
So surely with all that determination and dedication, I continued to forge ahead in my get healthy plan right? NOPE. The scale WOULD NOT MOVE!!!! We then went on a cruise in January, where I allowed myself to eat carbs. I came home and actually the few lbs I gained was gone in a couple of days. BUT, the problem was I was angry. Angry that I had been so "good" over the holidays and no weight came off. Angry that I saw people of "normal" size pigging out on the cruise only to see them strut by me in a bikini on the deck the next day. The injustice of it all through me over the poor pity me edge.
I become like a little kid who didin't get their way and falls to the floor and kicks their feet. Although, I don't kick my feet, I rebel by eating foods I know I shouldn't. It is a horrible pattern I just recently recognized. I am like well if I am not going to lose weight I might as well enjoy food and not worry about it. It is almost like I am punishing my body for not responding to my efforts. The plateaus get me everytime.
So this blog is almost a confession. The good news is I recognized it before I packed on all 41 lbs back on. I still however am avoiding an appointment with my doctor because I don't want to feel like a loser. Nothing anyone can say will be worse than the things I say to myself. BUT, that kind of thinking is only going to put me in a downward spiral that will cause me to hit the fast food drive thrus and be eating frosting out of the tub with a spoon at midnight. I do love that my doctor recongnizes that not all "skinny" people are healthy. He assures me some of my numbers are better than some "normal" weight people but the superficial me thinks its better to look good in a bathing suit than have a good cholesterol panel. I can't carry my bloodwork around the beach and say hey look I'm a fatty but my HDL is great.
The good news in all this, is that The Color Run is coming to my town this year and I am already signed up. So my determination is still there. Reminds me of the words to a song by Chumbawumba...I get knocked down, but I get up again, you aint never gonna keep me down....the journey continues.
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