Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Ah, the joys of summer

Summer is coming and you know what that means? Less clothing. I always find it funny that after everyone initially has failed their New Year's resolution that around Spring comes the frantic "bathing suit" time diets. It is a mad dash to the gym to get that "beach body". Let me just say, I will never have a beach body. I gave that idea up years ago. It is only my goal every year to appear as less of a jellybean in my bathing suit than last year. Yes, I said it. Being that I hold most of my weight in my belly, I appear jelly bean like in a bathing suit unless it has a defined waist. Unfortunately, as the years have progressed, I have went from a small size $.99 bag of Dollar General jelly beans to an all out Wakurusa Dime Store jelly bean. Every time I put on my bathing suit, I hear in my head, "NOW THAT'S A JELLY BEAN" from thier commercial with their super sized beans!!!

But, I would like to talk about another hot topic that comes with summer and less clothing... HAIR REMOVAL. I know I am an expert in this. I have tried it all. Let me first say, I HATE body hair. If I see it I want to remove it. Of course, I have been blessed with super dark hair and a family line that must have lived in caves only had one meal a year and lived in arctic temperatures. That is why we hold on to every calorie for all its worth and grow body hair like apes!!!

Let's see, I have bleached, waxed, had my own electrolysis machine, Epilady, Nair, Neet, Nads, oh and not to forget that stuff that is basically sand paper, I forget the name. I own stock in Gillette Razors with the lubristrip because I think they do the best job.

Let me just say, that bleach will work, however, it left my skin whiter in than area too. (now that was not obvious) Also, it works best for dark peach fuzz. What about turning long course hair from dark to white makes it better?

The at home electrolysis machine was one of my favs. I mean you had to stick this little metal thing the size of a small hair in each follice. ONE AT A TIME PEOPLE. Then you had to find what level of electrocution was needed for your type of hair. Again, thanks to my Neandrathal ancestors, I needed the thing to be turned up to 10 for the hair to fall out. Which pretty much made me jolt each time. It was torture.

Speaking of torture...the Epliady falls in that catergory. It was a like a spring of coils all wound up that would spin when you turned it on. It was supposed to pull out the hair by the root. AND it claimed to be pain free. LIES LIES LIES. Have you ever known anyone of your hairs to get pulled out by its' root and be pain free?

Nair, Neet and Nads, pretty much gave me a skin rash that looked like a teenager in the midst of puberty that worked 10-15 hours a week at the fryer at Long John Silver's. I didn't want to replace unsightly hair with zits people.

Wax is great if you have the time and patience and yes it still hurts. I have had several waxing accidents that have forced me to draw in my eyebrows for months. Plus I just find it time consuming.

After all the stuff I have tried, I fear I will someday be in a nursing home sporting a beard moustache and a body of old grey stubs all over. I doubt then I will care. Hopefully, most of it will be covered up by tons of wrinkles!!!!

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