Finding myself......in the bathroom that is.

No one told me about day two. I guess I really didn't see it coming. My husband told me I should have expected it. But really? I literally woke up feeling like I was in labor. Like a semi truck was being driven through my intestines. I noticed as I laid there that morning, my stomach was making a ton of gurgles, that I assumed was hunger. NOPE, as soon as my feet hit the ground that day, I was running to the bathroom.

Then the juice was making me nausesous. So my whole entire stomach was messed up. I was fearful to go anywhere thinking I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Now being as impatient as I am, I didnt really research juicing. I just got some recipes, bought a juicer and let her rip, for lack of a better term. So I decided to watch a video on youtube about a lady showing you how to juice and giving you some tips. As soon as the lady said, "you don't really feel deprived when you juice because you aren't giving anything up", I wanted to hit her in the face. What is she talking about? Not depriving yourself? What about solid food?

This reminded me of the time I saw something about colonics on television. A colonic is a fancy spa name for an enema. This crazy lady on the show said a coffee colonic made her feel alive and "one with her spirit" Ask my husband, I went off about it for about an hour. Seriously, if you are finding yourself and feeling one with your spirit because you power sprayed some coffee up your rear, maybe you should spend your spa money on a shrink. Hey, like Oprah says a good poop can make you feel great, but I am pretty sure I have never had an awakening over a poop. Although, I have heard some men talk about it like it was a spiritual awakening.

Well, let me say, after day two, if that was true, this girl would be as alive and one with my spirit like never before.

Day 1....Let's do this!

So anytime you start out on a new journey, it seems good. You are ready for a new challenge. You feel like positive changes are coming. This was my attitude toward juicing. Until about 10:00 a.m the first day. Now wait, before you judge, know I get up around 5:00 a.m. so I was well into this new journey.

I was determined to drink every last bit of the green mess my husband had made the night before. Two glasses down, I had decided enough was enough. I dropped my 5 year old off at school and me and the baby headed to the nearest produce aisle. I spent $50.00 on nothing but fruit and green leafy vegetables. By the time I got home, I was so hungry I put the baby in the family room and gave her some goldfish and went to washing and cutting. But by the time I was ready to juice, I had to go pick up my daughter from school.

By the time I got home I was famished. So I began to attack the juicer like Edward Scissorhands would a unmanicured bush. I made a total mess and my counter literally looked like its own farmer's market. After I cussed at the machine calling it a piece of junk I realized I had forgot to attach the "catcher" that catches all the pulp and waste. Sometimes my brillance amazes me. I was impressed with the taste of anything I tried. The only thing I could handle was a recipe called "happy hour" go figure. It was like a bloody mary. The whole entire day I was cranky because missing from my bloody mary juice was the VODKA!!!! I was hungry and crabby and just plain mean. I wanted to hit something. Is this part of the detox? Not sure. Could just be my personality. If you ask people closest to me they may not even have noticed a difference. But I felt it. I was just plain angry.

Everywhere I went I swear I smelled cilantro. I kept smelling my shirt and my hands. I think I was plain sweating that stuff out my pores. I am still cleaning bits of parsely off of my kitchen floor and counter. My kitchen smells like a big tossed salad. It wasn't until I put a mint in my mouth later that night that I realized 3 mints later, I was chewing them like they were salt water taffy. Wow. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.

The Good, the Bad and the JUICY!

I know its been a while. A lot has been going on. I won't bore you with all the details, but I recently had some tests ran at the doctor to see where I am health wise. Actually truth be told, shortly after the new year, I started having chest pains. So I thought I would get it checked out. Turns out, I am fine. The chest pains were caused by a combination of herbs I was taking causing me gas in my chest and a pulled chest muscle caused by an over zealous New Year's Eve involving the Wii and Michael Jackson. The combination together made this girl think I was having a heart attack.

Almost all the news was good. In fact the doctor said, "looks pretty darn good" To which I responded, "shocking for a fat girl huh'? I was scared to get the tests results to be honest and relieved when I did. I was laying in bed one morning and I said to my husband before the results came in, "time to pay the piper". Meaning I thought all the crap I had done over the years to my body was finally going to rear its ugly hear and bite me in the ass.

This whole experience sending me on a new journey. This is where what this blog is about really comes in. I was introduced (by friends or foes the jury is still out) to the concept of juicing. In an attempt to "re boot" myself, I decided to give it a try. I mean what do I have to lose? Pun intended. I decided this experience was too good not to share with you all. So here goes.

The day before I begin the fast the juicer arrives from Amazon.com. It is so intimidating I waited for my husband to get home to even attempt to use it. He comes in and starts juicing every bit of produce we have in the fridge. No directions, no recipes. He is a true man. He can juice without a clue. Well, for some reason he opens the machine while it is juicing. I guess it was that little moment when the little boy in him wanted to see how the darn thing worked. Can I just say tomatoes and kale thrown all over my kitchen walls. Not to mention the puddle of nasty green goo on the floor. To make it worse, the concoction he invented was enough to gag both of us.

After this experience, I decide that people lose weight on a juice fast due to the calories burned cleaning up the mess the juicer left. It was ridiculous. So that is how the whole thing got started off. But, you will have to wait to hear of the fun I began to experience when the juice fast actually started. So stayed tuned.

Wake up call

Wake up call. No not the kind you get when you tell the front desk at the hotel to give you a call in the morning so you can check out on time. The kind that makes you realize its time to lose some weight. Now, being a lifetime chubster, I have had several. Most of which have forced me to lose weight for a little time then pile it back on once the wake up call becomes a memory.

Most of my wake up calls have involved trying on clothes in a dressing room at a clothing store, and imminent appointment with the doctor that will require me to get on the scale. They have sometimes been in the preceding months before a vacation. But this morning, no dr.s appointment, no dressing room and no planned vacations. It was an average day in my house going about my daily business. Totally unexpected.

Being the multi-tasker I claim to be, I had just finished bathing my 14 month old. She likes to spend some time playing in tub while strapped into her bathseat. So, I strategically placed the full length mirror in such a way that I can sit next to the tub with her and put my make-up on at the same time. I wasn't even planning on leaving the house today, yet I ALWAYS put a face on and most times do my hair. BECAUSE you never know when Publisher's Clearing House will show up. I would hate to have to hide behind that big bouquet of balloons while getting my grand prize. ( I don't even enter by the way) Seriously, if they showed up when I had not put my face on and done my hair, I would decline the prize. REALLY I would. I would yell through the locked door "give it to my neighbor".

So I have several full length mirrors in my house. I hate them all. I avoid them. But I do stand at the one in my bathroom and put my make-up on everyday. Occassionally I will eye-ball myself to make sure my outfit is all tucked in and nothing is hanging out but other than that I focus on my face. But today was different. I was sitting down and I realized how bad it looked with all my body weight fully compressed in a sitting position. I looked then blinked, then looked again. All I could say was "wow" 3 times. My baby learned a new word today. By the third "wow" she said, "WOOOOOW". Yes little one, I couldn't agree more.

I can tell you I am making progress because I refused to go into the kitchen and pour carbs down my throat. It is what it is. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I will use this as a visual aid when I want to "pig out". Soooo long sweet denial. I will miss you.

Happy New Year

And so it begins, another New Year. Two thousand and twelve. I purposely avoided blogging at the start of the new year. I didn't want to start out all strong and then you all expect me to be an actual "good" blogger this year.

I hope you all don't expect me to come out and give my new year's resolution list. I learned a long time ago not to make them. It's too much pressure. Plus, I tend to believe not only do we set ourselves up for failure by making them, we sometimes do some major damage before the new year hits.

I can't tell you how many times I have made the resolution to lose weight...EVERY YEAR the same resolution and started on some kind of crazy holiday eating frenzy beforehand. I truly believe I added up excessive calories just because the new year was coming and that resolution to lose weight would be looming over my head. So, I am not sure if this is how normal weight people think but I can tell you a chubby mind hears.....THE END IS NEAR. "Eat more cookies, don't miss out on that yummy spinach dip your sister-in-law makes, oooh is that whipping cream for the pie?, I'll take some of that in my coffee too, oh my gosh, is that my favorite pair of roomy sweat pants I just found in the back of my closet? These babies will carry me through to the New Year if my jeans get tight...where in the heck is that leftover cheese ball, what? no more Ritz crackers? Awe just spread that on some bread and eat it...oooh with ham that would be good and then grill it in some butter."

See, this is why I refuse to make a resolution. I can tell you this. I have to run a 5K because I am a person of my word. I keep my promises to everyone else. So this year if you consider this a resolution here it is. I will put myself on the list this year. I will make my health a priority. Blessings to you all this new year.

Pros and Cons

So how many times in our lives have we made a list of pros and cons? Usually this tactic is used to make a big decision in one's life. Being overweight doesn't seem like a reason to make one of those lists. I mean the list for being overweight would all be cons right? I mean we know, high blood pressure, diabetes, and lets not forget poor fashion choices!!! But, being a chubby girl for as many years as I have that con list can be a girl down, so are there pros to being overweight? I think maybe.

First overweight people invent things. Like that bowl at KFC. You know the one with the pile of potatoes, and chicken nuggets, and corn and cheese. I think they added bacon recently also. The first time I saw that advertised on T.V. , I turned to my husband and said, "you know a fat person created that". I mean I can see a ravenous chubster like myself scrounging through the kitchen looking for something to eat and start piling that all together in a bowl of delicious yummyness. People who like to eat are responsible for some of the best tasting recipes on earth. I haven't done my research but I am pretty sure you can track butter, mayonaise and cheese all to the chubbies.

Another thing I am not sure about but I am pretty sure the that we can also take responsibility for Anti Monkey Butt. Yes this is an actual name of a product for anti-chaffing. I am pretty sure this was a chubby man invention. Because I believe a women would have given it a better name like Silky Moves. The reason I say this is because have you ever noticed plus size women store names....Lane Bryant, 16 Plus, The Avenue. Men's plus size clothes shops come to terms with the situation right in there name....Big and Tall. It reminds me of the chubby boy jeans called husky.

Another Pro of being overweight (since jr. high) was that I was not worried about my weight when I showed up for my 20 year high school class reunion. I mean it wasn't like I was skinny in high school and then showed up packing another 80 lbs. People expected me to show up like this. Sure it would have been nice to walk in looking like I just came from my after commercial for Jenny Craig, but I gotta tell you, it really took the pressure off. This stresses some people out so bad they don't even go. I went and was like, "yep, still fat".

So, I am in no way trying to make light of being overweight. It really does stink. I could give you a longer list of cons, but I refuse to being a whiny butt over it. It is my problem and I own it. Will I ever quit trying to lose weight? No, I will struggle with this issue (whether I lose weight or not) until I leave this earth. Besides, if I focus on the negative that will depress me and then I will want to eat, but then again maybe KFC is looking for another unhealthy way to serve up greasy chicken and I could be instrumental in that creation.

Fashion Faux Pas

My irritation with the fashion world began when I was about 11. That is due to the fact that I had grown out of "girl" sizes and wasn't quite ready for the "old lady" look. I mean I was 11, paisley and polyester were NOT an option. My problem was usually always jeans. I still can't find any decent ones. The only ones I found a few years back that I liked totally fit in the "mom" jean category. I know I am a mom, but I don't want to be seen in one of those magazines with a big splat of black over my eyes with a big DON'T across it. I mean this is a fat girls secret fear anyway. Every time I see a Dateline or Today Show exclusive on the fattys in American, I get a little nervous to see if I will show up with my face bleeped out. Of course if that did happen, I am sure it would be while I was at the fair carrying a big fat elephant ear or a fried candy bar. Seriously, have you ever thought of those poor people being taped? Can you imagine being the camera guy on that assignment. Find the fattys, eating or in really bad outfits that accentuate their spare tire or back fat. Someone in the history of the world has HAD to seen themselves on T.V. like that, am I right?

But, I digress, back to fashion. So jeans. Always a problem because if I got them to fit me in the waist, the legs were huge. See the fashion world thinks if your waist is my size, you must have huge legs which I do not. I am pretty sure I invented M.C.Hammer pants before anyone knew who he was. So not cool. Then comes for lack of a better word my ass...or lack thereof. Its flat. Its hard as a rock with no cellulite (last time I checked, that could be a lie, I don't look at it often) When I put on a pair of jeans, I joke that it looks like I've been hit over and over again in my ass with a board!!! FLAT FLAT FLAT...SO not flattering in jeans. I have tried pockets, no pockets high pockets low pockets. Nothing helps. So I did what any typical women in America would do. I bought a butt. No, not like the fancy expensive ones you get in Hollywood that put you down for 6 to 8 weeks. No surgery here. I bought a pair of panties with padding just in the cheek area.

So in an effort to see if my new found butt was a go, I strutted out in my best "non, mom" jeans through the living room past my husband. Surely he will notice. We've been laughing about my flat ass for years. So when he didn't notice, I said rather loudly and quite irritated, "DOES, MY BUT LOOK DIFFERENT?" After taking a couple of hard looks he says timidly, "yeah, it looks a little different (like he couldn't pin-point it) then I got the total response I was waiting for...."why are your ass cheeks so high up?" Enough said. Generic panty butt a no-go.