Don't Stop Believing

My mom used to love to tell me the story of when I was just learning to walk.  We had a long living room and I would toddle myself to the other end and from the couch my older brother would throw pillows at me and knock me down.  It seems rather cruel, but according to my mom, I would get back up and "just laugh" as she would tell me.  My brother was 12 years older and I can always remember him telling me I was tough.  He actually nicknamed me Butkus after the linebacker who according to my google search was "the most feared tackler in the NFL history". 

Over the years, I have often thought of that story and related it to so many obstacles in my life that have literally knocked me to my knees.  But yet somehow I manage to get up, dust myself off and keep going.  Really,  it is just the way life goes for ALL of us. 

This past weekend after a rather rough week, I pretty much locked myself away in my house contemplating life and quite frankly feeling sorry for myself.  I call these times a  mid-life crisis but really they started for me in my younger years.  I never go out and have a crazy wild affair on my husband or try to buy a new car or dye my hair pink.  I just go through a depression that is sometimes paralyzing.  It is usually brought on by the fact that I decide I am not where I am supposed to be in life.  Thank God for my husband, who is a glass half empty type of guy most of the time.  I made the comment, "I'm 45, nothing great is going to happen to me."  The look on his face said it all.  "You're ONLY 45....".  There he goes again  trying to pour some more in my glass that I'm pretty sure is empty.

Anyway, in that brief moment, it was like a slap in the face.  A reality check if you will.  Later that afternoon, I thought, " I am a quitter."  I quit everything.  At least everything that pertains to myself.  Let me explain.  I will stay in a relationship that is not good.  I will stay at a job I hate.  BUT, if it is something I want or do for me....I quit.  This blog is a good example .  I just quit.  I don't know why.  I said I didn't have time.  I said my kids needed me.  I said "no one reads it anyway."  The point is anytime I get discouraged I quit.  Over the years I've joked that when I played Monopoly, as soon as someone else bought Boardwalk or Park Place, I would quit.  I just assumed the game was over.  Why couldn't I just buy up Baltic Place and Oriental Avenue and put hotels on all of them?  I just assumed the game was over and I had already lost.   I joke all the time about my husbands competitive family, but truth is, I am competitive too.  Only difference is I decide if I can't win before the game is over and just quit. 

Again this weekend I was reminded of that little girl who got knocked down and got up and laughed each time, I wondered what happened to that tenacious little girl.   Who was not only determined to get up, but laugh about getting knocked down.  I think basically it was because of discouragement and disappointments over the years.  Its like each attempt of trying became easier to quit based on previous let down. 

I am not one who believes in New Year's Resolutions anymore.  I feel like it sets you up for guilt and failure.  Its February and most of them are forgotten by now.  All the eagerness to change has become replaced with guilt of not doing what you said you would.   There is a quote that I want to put on my daughter's bedroom walls.  It says, "She believed she could, so she did."  That is my goal for 2016. First I will believe I can. Can what?  Not sure.  But I need to believe in me.  I'm still here, I'm still breathing. So therefore I believe I can.  I pray that if you are experiencing a "mid life" or have been discouraged this little rant of craziness has helped you believe too.  God bless and in the great words sung by Steven Perry.....Don't stop believing.