What Not to Wear

With Spring here and Summer of its way, the dress code seems to go from "all covered up" to "hey how much skin can I show without being arrested?"  I used to think that it was just me being the "chubby jealous girl" now sometimes I wonder if its "the chubby jealous old lady"  But really look around.  Fashion has always been an individual thing.  But some days you got to look at some people and wonder if there is a mirror in their house.

Case in point, recently I visited a park with my girls.  There was a larger girl that had white shorts on that were so tight that they literally didn't have an inseam.  On the legs it was like shorts but in the crotch area it turned into a bathing suit.  I know I am not explaining it correctly but it was just wrong.  No amount of "the fat girl shuffle" was going to get those shorts outta there.  For those of you who are unaware of what I call the "fat girl shuffle" let me explain.  If you are wearing shorts and they start creeping up your thighs due to friction, there is a discreet little walk you can do to get them out without missing a step.  I am pretty sure I invented the FGS in the eighties.  Then I see a girl with mid calf black boots and a mini skirt and tank top.  REALLY?  you are on a picnic in that?  You look like you are going to a concert.  Also, during a recent trip to the zoo, I saw two ladies get out of their car looking like they were going to a Chicago nightclub.  I actually said out loud, "are you kidding me ladies?"  For those of you who don't know I have a constant dialog going on in my head with myself, sometimes I do say the words "out loud".  It is a wonder I haven't been in more fist fights.   

Before you start to believe this chubby is judgemental trust me, there are several bad clothing choices that should have got me a spot on "What NOT to wear".  I look back and think wow, I really wore that?  And help me if there are pictures of the tragedy.  Forever on film.  It is funny to me that women (can't speak for the men but I can't imagine they do this) will pick a totally inappropriate outfit in an attempt to be cute.  There is an exception to this.  It is shoes.  If the shoes are cute I will wear them even if my feet get blisters and bleed.  They are a weakness.  Which reminds me of a bad choice I made years ago all in an attempt to "look cute".

When you visit a theme park, take a look around.  The people serious about riding the rides and having a great day are dressed in shorts and t-shirts and most likely their most comfy pair of shoes.  Now admit it, have you ever looked around and thought, "WHY are you wearing that here?"  Well, when I was 15 I chose to "be cute" instead of comfortable.  I had a pair of jeans that I loved.  The were cropped and the only shoes they looked right in were my fav pair of white jellies with just a tiny heal on them.  I was warned by several people that they would not be comfortable and to choose something else.  BUT these shoes were the ONLY thing that looked good with the outfit I had chosen.  Well, let me just say, when you mix heat, and walking and water rides, jellies are not proper foot attire.  I was bleeding and whiny and forced to buy a pair of socks to wear in attempts to "pad" my feet from the terror.  It was just ugly. 

So trust me, I've done it.  I still do it.  But I do have enough sense not to wear a skirt zip lining or a dress to go ride a horse.   Hey maybe I could start a new show.  "What Not to Wear....." to the zoo, to the park, to the beach.  Oh don't get me started on the beach, an unlined white bathing suit is NEVER o.k. unless you are on a beach in Rio.  There are a little more free there. AND NAKED.  Which brings me to another subject for the future.  Those nudist camp people do it all in the nude.  EVEN VOLLEYBALL.  But that is for another time!!!

The truth about the juice

So, it has been a while and I realized I never updated the end results of my juicing adventure.  Let me just say after day two, I was ready to throw in the towel.  But fortunately, I am stubborn and continued to think that I would torture myself a little more.  Not to mention I  couldn't throw in the towel because I was too busy looking for another roll of toilet paper. 

Day 3:   I awoke again cranky and had NO ENERGY.  It felt as if I was coming down with the flu or something.  My husband begged me to eat something.  I don't think he was worried about me fainting due to hunger, I think he was sick of my nasty attitude.  I was short tempered and just overall in a state of irritation.  After hearing him pleading with me to eat something, my five year old ran to the cupboard and brought me back some Goldfish.  "Here mama, eat some of my Goldfish".  Again, I think my family was scared of me.  At this point, I gave in and ate a little something.  But I continued to juice the rest of the day. 

Day 4:  Hallelujah!  I awoke feeling great.  I felt lighter and healthier and not to sound to weird, but my mind felt clear and alert.  I had heard that this happened on some of the research I did on juicing, but I figured that was some crazy people who were out of touch with reality.  Kind of like having a colonic and feeling euphoric!!! But still this day, day four, I felt incredible.  It actually prompted me to continue for three more days.  All in all, I lost 11 pounds that week.  I felt really good and if nothing else it made me realize how the junky processed foods made me feel and how when I eliminated them I felt so much better.  So I would give the old juicing fast 2 thumbs up.  It is something that I would like to incorporate into my life on occasion to just detox from all the junk. 

On to 5K news.  I mean originally this is why I started this blog.  I wanted to run a 5K.  Of course I am close to two years behind on that goal and with the stops and starts on my couch to 5K training, it wasn't looking good.  However, I am happy to say, I have signed up for a 5K in July in Indianapolis.  It is called The Color Run and apparently after each K they throw colored powder at the runners who are all required to wear white shirts.  So by the end of the race you are covered in a rainbow of colors.  It sounds like a blast and I'm actually excited about it.  I just finished week one of training and dare I say it.....I may even like running.  I think I like the challenge of my body doing something that someone my size shouldn't be able to do.  Mind you I am working on stamina right now...the speed (hopefully) will come later.   Besides I figure, if I can't make it I will secretly find a ride close to the finish line, hide behind some bushes and carefully open color coordinated packets of Kool Aid and throw them all over myself.  See, this chubby girl always has a plan. 

Finding myself......in the bathroom that is.

No one told me about day two. I guess I really didn't see it coming. My husband told me I should have expected it. But really? I literally woke up feeling like I was in labor. Like a semi truck was being driven through my intestines. I noticed as I laid there that morning, my stomach was making a ton of gurgles, that I assumed was hunger. NOPE, as soon as my feet hit the ground that day, I was running to the bathroom.

Then the juice was making me nausesous. So my whole entire stomach was messed up. I was fearful to go anywhere thinking I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Now being as impatient as I am, I didnt really research juicing. I just got some recipes, bought a juicer and let her rip, for lack of a better term. So I decided to watch a video on youtube about a lady showing you how to juice and giving you some tips. As soon as the lady said, "you don't really feel deprived when you juice because you aren't giving anything up", I wanted to hit her in the face. What is she talking about? Not depriving yourself? What about solid food?

This reminded me of the time I saw something about colonics on television. A colonic is a fancy spa name for an enema. This crazy lady on the show said a coffee colonic made her feel alive and "one with her spirit" Ask my husband, I went off about it for about an hour. Seriously, if you are finding yourself and feeling one with your spirit because you power sprayed some coffee up your rear, maybe you should spend your spa money on a shrink. Hey, like Oprah says a good poop can make you feel great, but I am pretty sure I have never had an awakening over a poop. Although, I have heard some men talk about it like it was a spiritual awakening.

Well, let me say, after day two, if that was true, this girl would be as alive and one with my spirit like never before.

Day 1....Let's do this!

So anytime you start out on a new journey, it seems good. You are ready for a new challenge. You feel like positive changes are coming. This was my attitude toward juicing. Until about 10:00 a.m the first day. Now wait, before you judge, know I get up around 5:00 a.m. so I was well into this new journey.

I was determined to drink every last bit of the green mess my husband had made the night before. Two glasses down, I had decided enough was enough. I dropped my 5 year old off at school and me and the baby headed to the nearest produce aisle. I spent $50.00 on nothing but fruit and green leafy vegetables. By the time I got home, I was so hungry I put the baby in the family room and gave her some goldfish and went to washing and cutting. But by the time I was ready to juice, I had to go pick up my daughter from school.

By the time I got home I was famished. So I began to attack the juicer like Edward Scissorhands would a unmanicured bush. I made a total mess and my counter literally looked like its own farmer's market. After I cussed at the machine calling it a piece of junk I realized I had forgot to attach the "catcher" that catches all the pulp and waste. Sometimes my brillance amazes me. I was impressed with the taste of anything I tried. The only thing I could handle was a recipe called "happy hour" go figure. It was like a bloody mary. The whole entire day I was cranky because missing from my bloody mary juice was the VODKA!!!! I was hungry and crabby and just plain mean. I wanted to hit something. Is this part of the detox? Not sure. Could just be my personality. If you ask people closest to me they may not even have noticed a difference. But I felt it. I was just plain angry.

Everywhere I went I swear I smelled cilantro. I kept smelling my shirt and my hands. I think I was plain sweating that stuff out my pores. I am still cleaning bits of parsely off of my kitchen floor and counter. My kitchen smells like a big tossed salad. It wasn't until I put a mint in my mouth later that night that I realized 3 mints later, I was chewing them like they were salt water taffy. Wow. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.

The Good, the Bad and the JUICY!

I know its been a while. A lot has been going on. I won't bore you with all the details, but I recently had some tests ran at the doctor to see where I am health wise. Actually truth be told, shortly after the new year, I started having chest pains. So I thought I would get it checked out. Turns out, I am fine. The chest pains were caused by a combination of herbs I was taking causing me gas in my chest and a pulled chest muscle caused by an over zealous New Year's Eve involving the Wii and Michael Jackson. The combination together made this girl think I was having a heart attack.

Almost all the news was good. In fact the doctor said, "looks pretty darn good" To which I responded, "shocking for a fat girl huh'? I was scared to get the tests results to be honest and relieved when I did. I was laying in bed one morning and I said to my husband before the results came in, "time to pay the piper". Meaning I thought all the crap I had done over the years to my body was finally going to rear its ugly hear and bite me in the ass.

This whole experience sending me on a new journey. This is where what this blog is about really comes in. I was introduced (by friends or foes the jury is still out) to the concept of juicing. In an attempt to "re boot" myself, I decided to give it a try. I mean what do I have to lose? Pun intended. I decided this experience was too good not to share with you all. So here goes.

The day before I begin the fast the juicer arrives from Amazon.com. It is so intimidating I waited for my husband to get home to even attempt to use it. He comes in and starts juicing every bit of produce we have in the fridge. No directions, no recipes. He is a true man. He can juice without a clue. Well, for some reason he opens the machine while it is juicing. I guess it was that little moment when the little boy in him wanted to see how the darn thing worked. Can I just say tomatoes and kale thrown all over my kitchen walls. Not to mention the puddle of nasty green goo on the floor. To make it worse, the concoction he invented was enough to gag both of us.

After this experience, I decide that people lose weight on a juice fast due to the calories burned cleaning up the mess the juicer left. It was ridiculous. So that is how the whole thing got started off. But, you will have to wait to hear of the fun I began to experience when the juice fast actually started. So stayed tuned.

Wake up call

Wake up call. No not the kind you get when you tell the front desk at the hotel to give you a call in the morning so you can check out on time. The kind that makes you realize its time to lose some weight. Now, being a lifetime chubster, I have had several. Most of which have forced me to lose weight for a little time then pile it back on once the wake up call becomes a memory.

Most of my wake up calls have involved trying on clothes in a dressing room at a clothing store, and imminent appointment with the doctor that will require me to get on the scale. They have sometimes been in the preceding months before a vacation. But this morning, no dr.s appointment, no dressing room and no planned vacations. It was an average day in my house going about my daily business. Totally unexpected.

Being the multi-tasker I claim to be, I had just finished bathing my 14 month old. She likes to spend some time playing in tub while strapped into her bathseat. So, I strategically placed the full length mirror in such a way that I can sit next to the tub with her and put my make-up on at the same time. I wasn't even planning on leaving the house today, yet I ALWAYS put a face on and most times do my hair. BECAUSE you never know when Publisher's Clearing House will show up. I would hate to have to hide behind that big bouquet of balloons while getting my grand prize. ( I don't even enter by the way) Seriously, if they showed up when I had not put my face on and done my hair, I would decline the prize. REALLY I would. I would yell through the locked door "give it to my neighbor".

So I have several full length mirrors in my house. I hate them all. I avoid them. But I do stand at the one in my bathroom and put my make-up on everyday. Occassionally I will eye-ball myself to make sure my outfit is all tucked in and nothing is hanging out but other than that I focus on my face. But today was different. I was sitting down and I realized how bad it looked with all my body weight fully compressed in a sitting position. I looked then blinked, then looked again. All I could say was "wow" 3 times. My baby learned a new word today. By the third "wow" she said, "WOOOOOW". Yes little one, I couldn't agree more.

I can tell you I am making progress because I refused to go into the kitchen and pour carbs down my throat. It is what it is. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I will use this as a visual aid when I want to "pig out". Soooo long sweet denial. I will miss you.

Happy New Year

And so it begins, another New Year. Two thousand and twelve. I purposely avoided blogging at the start of the new year. I didn't want to start out all strong and then you all expect me to be an actual "good" blogger this year.

I hope you all don't expect me to come out and give my new year's resolution list. I learned a long time ago not to make them. It's too much pressure. Plus, I tend to believe not only do we set ourselves up for failure by making them, we sometimes do some major damage before the new year hits.

I can't tell you how many times I have made the resolution to lose weight...EVERY YEAR the same resolution and started on some kind of crazy holiday eating frenzy beforehand. I truly believe I added up excessive calories just because the new year was coming and that resolution to lose weight would be looming over my head. So, I am not sure if this is how normal weight people think but I can tell you a chubby mind hears.....THE END IS NEAR. "Eat more cookies, don't miss out on that yummy spinach dip your sister-in-law makes, oooh is that whipping cream for the pie?, I'll take some of that in my coffee too, oh my gosh, is that my favorite pair of roomy sweat pants I just found in the back of my closet? These babies will carry me through to the New Year if my jeans get tight...where in the heck is that leftover cheese ball, what? no more Ritz crackers? Awe just spread that on some bread and eat it...oooh with ham that would be good and then grill it in some butter."

See, this is why I refuse to make a resolution. I can tell you this. I have to run a 5K because I am a person of my word. I keep my promises to everyone else. So this year if you consider this a resolution here it is. I will put myself on the list this year. I will make my health a priority. Blessings to you all this new year.