Wake up call

Wake up call. No not the kind you get when you tell the front desk at the hotel to give you a call in the morning so you can check out on time. The kind that makes you realize its time to lose some weight. Now, being a lifetime chubster, I have had several. Most of which have forced me to lose weight for a little time then pile it back on once the wake up call becomes a memory.

Most of my wake up calls have involved trying on clothes in a dressing room at a clothing store, and imminent appointment with the doctor that will require me to get on the scale. They have sometimes been in the preceding months before a vacation. But this morning, no dr.s appointment, no dressing room and no planned vacations. It was an average day in my house going about my daily business. Totally unexpected.

Being the multi-tasker I claim to be, I had just finished bathing my 14 month old. She likes to spend some time playing in tub while strapped into her bathseat. So, I strategically placed the full length mirror in such a way that I can sit next to the tub with her and put my make-up on at the same time. I wasn't even planning on leaving the house today, yet I ALWAYS put a face on and most times do my hair. BECAUSE you never know when Publisher's Clearing House will show up. I would hate to have to hide behind that big bouquet of balloons while getting my grand prize. ( I don't even enter by the way) Seriously, if they showed up when I had not put my face on and done my hair, I would decline the prize. REALLY I would. I would yell through the locked door "give it to my neighbor".

So I have several full length mirrors in my house. I hate them all. I avoid them. But I do stand at the one in my bathroom and put my make-up on everyday. Occassionally I will eye-ball myself to make sure my outfit is all tucked in and nothing is hanging out but other than that I focus on my face. But today was different. I was sitting down and I realized how bad it looked with all my body weight fully compressed in a sitting position. I looked then blinked, then looked again. All I could say was "wow" 3 times. My baby learned a new word today. By the third "wow" she said, "WOOOOOW". Yes little one, I couldn't agree more.

I can tell you I am making progress because I refused to go into the kitchen and pour carbs down my throat. It is what it is. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I will use this as a visual aid when I want to "pig out". Soooo long sweet denial. I will miss you.

Happy New Year

And so it begins, another New Year. Two thousand and twelve. I purposely avoided blogging at the start of the new year. I didn't want to start out all strong and then you all expect me to be an actual "good" blogger this year.

I hope you all don't expect me to come out and give my new year's resolution list. I learned a long time ago not to make them. It's too much pressure. Plus, I tend to believe not only do we set ourselves up for failure by making them, we sometimes do some major damage before the new year hits.

I can't tell you how many times I have made the resolution to lose weight...EVERY YEAR the same resolution and started on some kind of crazy holiday eating frenzy beforehand. I truly believe I added up excessive calories just because the new year was coming and that resolution to lose weight would be looming over my head. So, I am not sure if this is how normal weight people think but I can tell you a chubby mind hears.....THE END IS NEAR. "Eat more cookies, don't miss out on that yummy spinach dip your sister-in-law makes, oooh is that whipping cream for the pie?, I'll take some of that in my coffee too, oh my gosh, is that my favorite pair of roomy sweat pants I just found in the back of my closet? These babies will carry me through to the New Year if my jeans get tight...where in the heck is that leftover cheese ball, what? no more Ritz crackers? Awe just spread that on some bread and eat it...oooh with ham that would be good and then grill it in some butter."

See, this is why I refuse to make a resolution. I can tell you this. I have to run a 5K because I am a person of my word. I keep my promises to everyone else. So this year if you consider this a resolution here it is. I will put myself on the list this year. I will make my health a priority. Blessings to you all this new year.

Pros and Cons

So how many times in our lives have we made a list of pros and cons? Usually this tactic is used to make a big decision in one's life. Being overweight doesn't seem like a reason to make one of those lists. I mean the list for being overweight would all be cons right? I mean we know, high blood pressure, diabetes, and lets not forget poor fashion choices!!! But, being a chubby girl for as many years as I have that con list can be a girl down, so are there pros to being overweight? I think maybe.

First overweight people invent things. Like that bowl at KFC. You know the one with the pile of potatoes, and chicken nuggets, and corn and cheese. I think they added bacon recently also. The first time I saw that advertised on T.V. , I turned to my husband and said, "you know a fat person created that". I mean I can see a ravenous chubster like myself scrounging through the kitchen looking for something to eat and start piling that all together in a bowl of delicious yummyness. People who like to eat are responsible for some of the best tasting recipes on earth. I haven't done my research but I am pretty sure you can track butter, mayonaise and cheese all to the chubbies.

Another thing I am not sure about but I am pretty sure the that we can also take responsibility for Anti Monkey Butt. Yes this is an actual name of a product for anti-chaffing. I am pretty sure this was a chubby man invention. Because I believe a women would have given it a better name like Silky Moves. The reason I say this is because have you ever noticed plus size women store names....Lane Bryant, 16 Plus, The Avenue. Men's plus size clothes shops come to terms with the situation right in there name....Big and Tall. It reminds me of the chubby boy jeans called husky.

Another Pro of being overweight (since jr. high) was that I was not worried about my weight when I showed up for my 20 year high school class reunion. I mean it wasn't like I was skinny in high school and then showed up packing another 80 lbs. People expected me to show up like this. Sure it would have been nice to walk in looking like I just came from my after commercial for Jenny Craig, but I gotta tell you, it really took the pressure off. This stresses some people out so bad they don't even go. I went and was like, "yep, still fat".

So, I am in no way trying to make light of being overweight. It really does stink. I could give you a longer list of cons, but I refuse to being a whiny butt over it. It is my problem and I own it. Will I ever quit trying to lose weight? No, I will struggle with this issue (whether I lose weight or not) until I leave this earth. Besides, if I focus on the negative that will depress me and then I will want to eat, but then again maybe KFC is looking for another unhealthy way to serve up greasy chicken and I could be instrumental in that creation.

Fashion Faux Pas

My irritation with the fashion world began when I was about 11. That is due to the fact that I had grown out of "girl" sizes and wasn't quite ready for the "old lady" look. I mean I was 11, paisley and polyester were NOT an option. My problem was usually always jeans. I still can't find any decent ones. The only ones I found a few years back that I liked totally fit in the "mom" jean category. I know I am a mom, but I don't want to be seen in one of those magazines with a big splat of black over my eyes with a big DON'T across it. I mean this is a fat girls secret fear anyway. Every time I see a Dateline or Today Show exclusive on the fattys in American, I get a little nervous to see if I will show up with my face bleeped out. Of course if that did happen, I am sure it would be while I was at the fair carrying a big fat elephant ear or a fried candy bar. Seriously, have you ever thought of those poor people being taped? Can you imagine being the camera guy on that assignment. Find the fattys, eating or in really bad outfits that accentuate their spare tire or back fat. Someone in the history of the world has HAD to seen themselves on T.V. like that, am I right?

But, I digress, back to fashion. So jeans. Always a problem because if I got them to fit me in the waist, the legs were huge. See the fashion world thinks if your waist is my size, you must have huge legs which I do not. I am pretty sure I invented M.C.Hammer pants before anyone knew who he was. So not cool. Then comes for lack of a better word my ass...or lack thereof. Its flat. Its hard as a rock with no cellulite (last time I checked, that could be a lie, I don't look at it often) When I put on a pair of jeans, I joke that it looks like I've been hit over and over again in my ass with a board!!! FLAT FLAT FLAT...SO not flattering in jeans. I have tried pockets, no pockets high pockets low pockets. Nothing helps. So I did what any typical women in America would do. I bought a butt. No, not like the fancy expensive ones you get in Hollywood that put you down for 6 to 8 weeks. No surgery here. I bought a pair of panties with padding just in the cheek area.

So in an effort to see if my new found butt was a go, I strutted out in my best "non, mom" jeans through the living room past my husband. Surely he will notice. We've been laughing about my flat ass for years. So when he didn't notice, I said rather loudly and quite irritated, "DOES, MY BUT LOOK DIFFERENT?" After taking a couple of hard looks he says timidly, "yeah, it looks a little different (like he couldn't pin-point it) then I got the total response I was waiting for...."why are your ass cheeks so high up?" Enough said. Generic panty butt a no-go.

Do you smell that?

I get up early most mornings. This allows me to wake up and drink a pot of coffee (yea, I said a pot, don't judge me) before I have to be a mom. Being that I don't watch a lot of T.V. besides kids programs or sports, (because I have kids and a husband) I sometimes try to find something I am interested in. Most of the time I am up so early it is all about infomercials.

This morning I started with why Cindy Crawford looks so good at 43. Of course it is her moisturizer that some dermatologist from France or somewhere developed with a secret ingredient. I quickly turned that one. I mean I am 40, I have never looked like Cindy Crawford, and I am old enough not to fall for that one anymore. Oh the money, I have wasted on lies.

So I only listened to that for a minute or two. Then I channel surfed across a product I had never heard of before. Nasal Soft Strips. This is the description from the website: Nasal Soft Strips are small strips that bend comfortably to the bottom (septum) of your nose and deliver specific essential oils and vapors that are known to have health benefits. They were basically talking about using them for appetite control. They boasted that wearing it only 2 minutes signaled to you brain that you were not hungry for up to 4 hours.

So, prepare yourself, here goes my chubby girl rant! Most overweight people are NOT eating only when they are hungry. If that was the case they probably would not be overweight. So I guess the idea of "appetite suppressant" has never made sense to me. So imagine my thoughts when I see a piece of paper that you put in your nose that looks like a paper nose ring and I guess drive around town (now you're not only fat you look like an idiot) and I just have to say, I don't care if that piece of paper smells like a monkey's ass, if there is a Krispy Creme doughnut on the counter and I want it I am eating it. So that is all I have to say about that. I feel so much better now.

Oh, I also discovered I have found my true calling. I want to be an infomercial actress. I love how they "overact" all their expressions. TOO funny...wonder how much they get paid??!!

I'll take a basket of onion rings please!!

Today I woke up groggy in a strange place. Due to some home repairs we have relocated for a few days. After my initial "where am I" thought, my next thought was, "I'm still going to be fat this summer" SIGH! I find myself in a place of total diet frustration. Its a familiar place for me. I also wondered how many times I woke up with food on my mind. What should I eat today? Not because I am hungry, but because I have laid in bed many mornings wondering...should I eat low fat today?...or low carb...or a fast? how about a 3 day fast? I could just drink juice or eat just fruits and veggies??!! Let me just say I AM EXHAUSTED!!!! I have been training seriously for the 5k for 3 weeks and I have gained weight. I know what you are thinking! "well, what have you been eating?! Well no more than I was 3 weeks ago with NO EXERCISE!!!!

I have to tell you I am becoming an angry fat girl. I am starting to "totally dislike" (I would use the word hate but my mama always told me thats a strong word) people who "on a whim" decide to do some exercise a couple times a week and drop 4 dress sizes. I find it extremely irritating that someone can give up "fast food" and drop 20 lbs. REALLY? And don't give me that crap about parking your car farther away from the shopping mall, and taking the stairs and giving up regular pop or replacing one meal a day with a protein shake!!!! DONE IT ALL. STILL FAT! I must go up the stairs 30 times a day.

Yesterday, I caught a commercial for the weight loss drug Alli. I actually considered it and I am totally anti drug for weight loss. I mean eventually you have to stop taking the drug and then you gain the weight back right? I believe Alli is the one that gives you, "greasy gas". Yep, like when you "pass wind" as my aunt used to say, you leave a greasy stain in your pants!!! I don't know if its true, but I was desperate enough to ponder the thought for a minute. I mean come on people, I am so desperate to lose a few lbs (ok a lot more than a few) that I would be willing to take a drug that possibly would leave my pants looking like the soaked piece of paper at the bottom of an onion ring basket? This craziness has to stop.

I seriously wished I would have never put all this out for everyone to read. Then I could just go hide in the closet with a 6 pack of Yoo hoo and some Reeses peanut butter cups and be left alone.
But I wanted some accountability. If I know others are watching, I thought I would "do better". Like when you have to be put on the scale each week at a Weight Watchers meeting. You have "pressure" to do better. That donut you are about to eat will show up on the scale and you will feel the embarrassment as the 'weigher"writes down your weight.

Oh well, sorry for the rant. One day, I am going to carry around a paper and pen and write down every thought that goes through my head in a day....then you would all KNOW I am crazy

Oh, before I forget, the Poo-Pourri has my vote. I took it to my family's Easter celebration and was disappointed when no one has "to go". Every time someone headed to the bathroom I was like, "you gotta poo?" I wanted to share my latest find with everyone. I know that I will feel a lot more confident with that little spray bottle in my purse.

Deja Poo and Zumba too!!

Really, I wish I could be one of those people who make money from testing out products and giving their feedback. I'm always on the lookout for new things, new cleaning products, new make-up, new recipes. This week I was introduced to two new things. Poo-Pourri and Zumba.

First I will discuss Zumba. It is a crazy dance workout that is supposed to burn 1000 calories an hour. Well, I purchased the Zumba workout for the Wii. I tried it last night. Let me just say, first of all, I have lost my rhythm and range of motion. Or I never had either. I think I could burn 1000 calories just flinging myself around trying to learn the motions. My baby who sat in her bouncy seat watching found it entertaining. Another plus for a busy mom of two, you have to keep them entertained. Anyway, I really liked it and it was fun. However, I would never attempt it in public. I've seen the infomercials for Zumba with the classes packed full of people. Let me just say that I would be the one that everyone stepped back and watched. But not because of my fancy dance moves. Because I would be clearing a path all around me trying to go the right way. This next product could be life changing for me. I hope you're not offended by this subject...BUT I JUST GOTTA do it. First let me just say, there is an actual book out there called, "Everybody Poops". But I am a closet pooper. No I don't poop in my closets. I refuse to go anywhere but home. I falsely believe I have trained my body not to go once I walk outside my door and I can honestly say it hasn't happened. I actually told my husband once at a store when I had a disturbing rumbling belly ache..."if I come up missing, I will be in the car, pooping my pants" Oh yeah, I'm that crazy about it. I actually get embarrassed when other people have to poo in public. I have actually almost peed my pants because I have walked into a public bathroom where someone had left such a smell, I ran out before anyone would even consider I had done it. So now with that background, you will know why I find this next product so appealing. It is called Poo-Pourri. It is a product that claims to create a film on the surface of the toilet that will not allow stinky poo smells to enter the air. There are different types you can buy with names like Deja Poo, Heavy Doody, Oh! My Goodness, and my personal favorite Trap a Crap. You can say what you want, but the "courtesy flush" really doesn't work. Its too late. I've always wondering how you can be flushing and the very moment you make your first "deposit" and the smell lingers. Seriously, I was so excited to find out about this. Not only for myself but for all the people I know suffer with IBS or a spastic colon. This product (if it truly works) should be in EVERY bathroom in America. Because no one wants to smell someone elses poo. I know everyone does it. I know its a healthy bodily function. I just don't want to smell it. So there I said it. I plan on ordering some of this stuff and trying it out. I will let you know if it works. Heck, if it does work, I just may show up on your door step and ask to use your bathroom.