Saturday, March 24, 2012

Finding the bathroom that is.

No one told me about day two. I guess I really didn't see it coming. My husband told me I should have expected it. But really? I literally woke up feeling like I was in labor. Like a semi truck was being driven through my intestines. I noticed as I laid there that morning, my stomach was making a ton of gurgles, that I assumed was hunger. NOPE, as soon as my feet hit the ground that day, I was running to the bathroom.
Then the juice was making me nausesous. So my whole entire stomach was messed up. I was fearful to go anywhere thinking I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Now being as impatient as I am, I didnt really research juicing. I just got some recipes, bought a juicer and let her rip, for lack of a better term. So I decided to watch a video on youtube about a lady showing you how to juice and giving you some tips. As soon as the lady said, "you don't really feel deprived when you juice because you aren't giving anything up", I wanted to hit her in the face. What is she talking about? Not depriving yourself? What about solid food?
This reminded me of the time I saw something about colonics on television. A colonic is a fancy spa name for an enema. This crazy lady on the show said a coffee colonic made her feel alive and "one with her spirit" Ask my husband, I went off about it for about an hour. Seriously, if you are finding yourself and feeling one with your spirit because you power sprayed some coffee up your rear, maybe you should spend your spa money on a shrink. Hey, like Oprah says a good poop can make you feel great, but I am pretty sure I have never had an awakening over a poop. Although, I have heard some men talk about it like it was a spiritual awakening.
Well, let me say, after day two, if that was true, this girl would be as alive and one with my spirit like never before.

Day 1....Let's do this!

So anytime you start out on a new journey, it seems good. You are ready for a new challenge. You feel like positive changes are coming. This was my attitude toward juicing. Until about 10:00 a.m the first day. Now wait, before you judge, know I get up around 5:00 a.m. so I was well into this new journey.
I was determined to drink every last bit of the green mess my husband had made the night before. Two glasses down, I had decided enough was enough. I dropped my 5 year old off at school and me and the baby headed to the nearest produce aisle. I spent $50.00 on nothing but fruit and green leafy vegetables. By the time I got home, I was so hungry I put the baby in the family room and gave her some goldfish and went to washing and cutting. But by the time I was ready to juice, I had to go pick up my daughter from school.
By the time I got home I was famished. So I began to attack the juicer like Edward Scissorhands would a unmanicured bush. I made a total mess and my counter literally looked like its own farmer's market. After I cussed at the machine calling it a piece of junk I realized I had forgot to attach the "catcher" that catches all the pulp and waste. Sometimes my brillance amazes me. I was impressed with the taste of anything I tried. The only thing I could handle was a recipe called "happy hour" go figure. It was like a bloody mary. The whole entire day I was cranky because missing from my bloody mary juice was the VODKA!!!! I was hungry and crabby and just plain mean. I wanted to hit something. Is this part of the detox? Not sure. Could just be my personality. If you ask people closest to me they may not even have noticed a difference. But I felt it. I was just plain angry.
Everywhere I went I swear I smelled cilantro. I kept smelling my shirt and my hands. I think I was plain sweating that stuff out my pores. I am still cleaning bits of parsely off of my kitchen floor and counter. My kitchen smells like a big tossed salad. It wasn't until I put a mint in my mouth later that night that I realized 3 mints later, I was chewing them like they were salt water taffy. Wow. This is gonna be way harder than I thought.

The Good, the Bad and the JUICY!

I know its been a while. A lot has been going on. I won't bore you with all the details, but I recently had some tests ran at the doctor to see where I am health wise. Actually truth be told, shortly after the new year, I started having chest pains. So I thought I would get it checked out. Turns out, I am fine. The chest pains were caused by a combination of herbs I was taking causing me gas in my chest and a pulled chest muscle caused by an over zealous New Year's Eve involving the Wii and Michael Jackson. The combination together made this girl think I was having a heart attack.
Almost all the news was good. In fact the doctor said, "looks pretty darn good" To which I responded, "shocking for a fat girl huh'? I was scared to get the tests results to be honest and relieved when I did. I was laying in bed one morning and I said to my husband before the results came in, "time to pay the piper". Meaning I thought all the crap I had done over the years to my body was finally going to rear its ugly hear and bite me in the ass.
This whole experience sending me on a new journey. This is where what this blog is about really comes in. I was introduced (by friends or foes the jury is still out) to the concept of juicing. In an attempt to "re boot" myself, I decided to give it a try. I mean what do I have to lose? Pun intended. I decided this experience was too good not to share with you all. So here goes.
The day before I begin the fast the juicer arrives from It is so intimidating I waited for my husband to get home to even attempt to use it. He comes in and starts juicing every bit of produce we have in the fridge. No directions, no recipes. He is a true man. He can juice without a clue. Well, for some reason he opens the machine while it is juicing. I guess it was that little moment when the little boy in him wanted to see how the darn thing worked. Can I just say tomatoes and kale thrown all over my kitchen walls. Not to mention the puddle of nasty green goo on the floor. To make it worse, the concoction he invented was enough to gag both of us.
After this experience, I decide that people lose weight on a juice fast due to the calories burned cleaning up the mess the juicer left. It was ridiculous. So that is how the whole thing got started off. But, you will have to wait to hear of the fun I began to experience when the juice fast actually started. So stayed tuned.